Purest of Pain
by stolenxsanity
Summary: Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them? Warning Inside!
1. Prologue

**Title: **Purest of Pain; Prologue  
**Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted storylines.

**A/N: **I've sat on this chapter for months, debating with myself whether or not I should post it. To say that I'm perfectly okay with posting it now would be a joke, because I'm not. However, as there isn't much else that I can do to it, short of completely rewriting it, it seemed rather pointless to just let it sit on my hard drive and collect digital dust.

That all being said, I'm now off to go bite my nails and/or incessantly tap my foot because I'm entirely too neurotic to just patiently wait to see how it is received.

Special thanks to my betas, **vi0lentserenity** - without her, I would've given up on this particular storyline ages ago - and **magan bagan** and to friends, and fellow authors, **ahizelm**, **nothingtolose15** and **RAEcouter** for their input, suggestions and encouragement.

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**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

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"_There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things that we don't want to know but have to learn and people that we can't live without but have to let go. ~ Author Unknown_

**[EPOV]**

Her words haunted me as I drove down the desolate highway. I'd wanted nothing more than to help her heal, and she'd sent me away. The ache in my chest steadily grew as I put more force on the gas pedal with a desperate need to find an outlet for the pain that was tearing through my body. Regardless, I couldn't block the memory of the look on her face, the agony in her eyes and the finality in her voice.

"_I don't need you to fix me, Edward. I don't need anyone. Please, just get the hell away from me. Go home!"_

Everything in me, from my head right down to my soul, was begging me to turn around and go back to her. To beg her, if need be, to let me in. I felt incomplete without her near me, even in the most platonic of ways. I needed her like I needed air to breathe or water to sate my thirst. I loved her with every ounce of my being and I couldn't resolve myself to sitting idly and letting her destroy herself. If I did, I'd be no better than the monster that had caused her so much pain and pushed her to take these desperate and extremely selfish measures.

"_You would never understand. No one would. Just let it go."  
_

Let it go? _Just let it go?_ As if I ever could. She had no idea of the hold she had on me. She had no idea that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her. Which is why when she told me to leave, I left. Against my will and against my better judgment, all because it was what she wanted.

_But what about what I want, dammit!?_

I could feel the tears coming on the further away from Phoenix I drove. The tearing in my chest was palpable as my sobs racked my entire body. I wouldn't be able to drive much longer in this state. As it were, I could barely see a foot in front of my face, let alone beyond the windshield into the darkness that permeated the surrounding deserts.

Subconsciously, my foot inched down onto the brakes as I turned the steering wheel to the side of the road. I couldn't run from her. I wouldn't run from her. She could fight it all she wanted, but I was entirely too selfish to let her have this. If it were anything else, I'd give it without question as long as it made her happy. But even now, as I sat here in my car on the side of a deserted highway, I realized that she didn't really mean what she said.

This epiphany pushed me into a new course of action. A course of action that found me racing back towards Phoenix so quickly that not even a speed gun could register my velocity. She needed me whether she was ready to admit it or not, and I fully intended on being to her whatever she would allow me to be; friend, confidant, or more. It was entirely up to her.

It took me less than an hour to get back to her house. Less than an hour to prepare myself for what I was about to walk into. Less than an hour for me to realize that she needed more help than I could possibly give her alone.

Seeing her still, lifeless form laid out before me on her bedroom floor nearly destroyed me. The blood that had spilled from her arms was dripping and pooling around her. I couldn't move and I couldn't think. The guilt that surged through me was tangible. I'd left her to her own devices without putting up a fight and this is what she'd done.

I almost didn't notice her eyes opening fractionally as I stood there as if in a trance.

"Edward."

It was barely a whisper but it was enough to spur a reaction from me. Relief flooded my body as I knelt beside her to take stock of what she'd done. The jagged cuts that ran from wrist to elbow repeatedly were enough to make my stomach turn. Her body felt limp in my arms and I knew that if I didn't act fast, I'd lose her for good.

I quickly grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed 911. I tried my best to mask the sheer panic I was feeling as I talked to the call operator, but my voice was strained, breathing sporadic and my stomach's contents were currently revolting against its restraints and threatening to make an unnecessary reappearance.

Waiting for the ambulance to arrive was the worst, and longest, five minutes of my life. I sat back on my heels, holding her in my arms while rocking back and forth and willing myself not to cry. I had to stay strong for her, or at least make an attempt to stay strong. I could break once I knew she was safe.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." I repeated over and over again hoping – praying – that she could hear me and know without a doubt that I meant it; silently pleading that she would understand that I was here for the long haul, come hell or high water.

The sound of blaring sirens, doors slamming and a cacophony of noise pulled me back to the present as I heard the EMT's barreling into the house and rushing up the stairs. I watched, emotionally detached, as they pulled my beautiful Bella out of my arms and began to work on her. My mind barely registered the fact that I was covered in blood – her blood – as I hovered over them, watching.

I knew the questions would be coming soon; I couldn't deal with them right now. There were calls that needed to be made before I allowed myself to crack. There were people that I needed to talk to before I could even begin to explain to an outsider what had happened; inform them that this _wasn't_ an isolated incident. I had promised her that I'd keep this secret to myself; she'd made me swear on everything that I held dear before she allowed her doubts to be put to rest.

I was going to betray that trust that had taken so long for me to earn, but I couldn't find it in me to care. She'd broken promises too – promises much worse than the one I was about to break; a promise that _almost_ took her away from me forever.

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**A/N: **Can I stop biting my nails now? *phew* Anyway, please share your thoughts on this via reviews. I have the next couple chapters written so, if received well; I'll be posting them as soon as possible.

The next chapter will be going back to the beginning of this story where everything began and will be in Jasper's POV.


	2. When I'm Gone

**Title: **Purest of Pain; When I'm Gone  
**Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted story lines.

**A/N: **I sigh. You see, this chapter has been written for just over a month and I had no intentions of posting it so long after the prologue. Unfortunately, I'm anal retentive, and that coupled with a severe case of A.D.D. and O.C.D. does not a pretty picture make. I think this may be the 5th or 6th revision, maybe? Ah well, it's done now. After much frustration and *headdesk* moments, of course, but done nonetheless.

As usual, I have to thank my betas, **vi0lentserenity** – I honestly don't know how she puts up with me and my fickleness or lack of focus of sometimes, but the fact that she does makes me all warm and fuzzy inside – and **magan bagan** for taking the time to make sure I'm not being overzealous with my comma's or semi-colon's and well, other grammatical mishaps. Also, **RAEcouter **for offering up the idea of writing this chapter because this was originally not going to be a part of it, and then when I started writing it, it was going to be chapter 2. Obviously, that's changed.

I'd also like to thank everyone who reviewed the first posted chapter (prologue). If I didn't reply to your review, my apologies. I had every intention of doing so, but RL tends to distract me a lot. But, I do appreciate them all the same.

And now, I think I'll stop rambling and let you all get to the chapter. Enjoy.

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**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

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_"__Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go." ~ The Wonder Years_

**[JPOV]**

Senior year of high school brings with it a certain level of stress and a definite rise in blood pressure for most students. Being faced with life-altering decisions that have the power to make or break you is enough to cause anyone undue anxiety – the choices are both limited and limitless. Fortunately, that was far from the case for me; I already knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I was unwavering in the choice that I'd made. My birth father had been a General in the Army and was killed in action before Rose and I had been born. Even though I'd never gotten to know him, I felt like my path in life had already been set before my birth; it was in my blood, coursing through my veins and solidifying my resolution. Unfortunately, I had yet to tell anyone in my family of the choice I'd already made. Instead – and in an effort to put off the imminent questioning – I filled out copious amounts of college applications and wasted time and efforts on taking my SAT's and ACT's. I knew that I couldn't enlist before I turned 18 without parental consent, but I could never find the best way to break the news to my parents, especially knowing that my mom was dead set against any option that included the military. I couldn't find reason to fault her for that; she'd lost her first husband to that life and had made it abundantly clear that she couldn't even think about the possibility of losing any children in the same way. I could see it in her eyes every time another news story came on about the war in Iraq; another life cut short by the unspeakable realities that made up the life of a soldier, another family forever altered by actions beyond their control, another young widow or fatherless child. She saw her – us – in the faces of all those broken families. Sure, college was an option, and one that I would do well at. But, there was nothing that I could think of – no career option that jumped out at me – that I could willingly sacrifice years to the tedium of learning for.

With acceptance letters coming in for me nearly every other day, I was running out of time to come clean about my true intentions post-graduation. It didn't help that I was being accosted by my guidance counselor to make a decision at every turn. I'd even started skulking around the campus in an effort to avoid him. It didn't always work so well and I harbored the ridiculous idea that he must've been part bloodhound with the way he always managed to track me down. I scoffed – internally, of course – at his ignorance; I'd already made a decision; he was just, decidedly, kept out of the loop. Then there was Bella – my dear, sweet sister. She was relentless in her interrogations and the pain I felt from so blatantly lying to her day after day threatened to destroy my resolve. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. The last thing I wanted was to be the cause of dissention within my family, but it was inevitable. There was a small chance that Charlie would support my decision, but beyond that, I didn't have high hopes for the way my news would be received. I knew my sisters well enough to know that I'd be met with one of two reactions; they'd either be furious or they'd feel betrayed, neither of which I was in any way fond of. Rose and Bella were, without a doubt, the most important people in my life and just the thought of them being upset with me was almost enough to make me change my mind.

I squandered my time away – filling the disgustingly monotonous days with inconsequential activities – until my birthday with the thought that once I turned 18, no one else had any say in whatever path I decided to take. It was arduous, to say the least, keeping this decision to myself but my will was unfaltering; they wouldn't find out until it was an absolute and not just a possibility. I'd never had a reason to lie to either of my sisters, and even though this was a lie of omission, it still cut me just as deep as it would have if I'd outright lied to them. It was obvious in their looks and mannerisms from time to time that they knew I was holding something back from them. There were countless times that I almost succumbed to the guilt and let them in on my intentions, but every time I'd come close to telling them, the thought of their reactions would steel my resolve to wait. There was no way to know if I was making the right decision by waiting, but it's the only decision that made sense to me.

On the day that I turned 18, I skipped school and instead went down to the recruitment office to fill out the required forms. Apprehension and trepidation dominated me throughout the entire process, only overshadowed by the outright fear of what was to come. Although I left the recruitment office feeling lighter, there was also a tangible weight on my shoulders. With my plans now set into motion, I had run out of time for constant deflection and avoidance. I was out of reasons to keep it to myself any longer and I was well aware that if I didn't tell them now, they'd find out regardless. Finding out from me was the least I could do in the scheme of things; I owed them that much.

I spent the remainder of the day attempting to psych myself up for the conversation to come at dinner. Rose would resent me for ruining the night – our night – but she'd be mad at me regardless so it was best to get it all out of the way at once. I went through every possible scenario in my mind and not one of them ended amicably. Regardless of how it all came out, tonight would mark a palpable change in our family dynamic. The guilt was already there, and had been steadily building over the past months, so one more thing wouldn't make much of a difference. I'd been working for months – possibly even years – on preparing for the inevitability of this conversation. I'd be a fool to think that I'd walk away from tonight's dinner unscathed, that was a given. In less than twenty-four hours, I'd be destroying their trust in me with a possibility of never gaining it back.

Even with my nerves in overdrive, dinner was wonderful. The surreptitious glances that Rose kept shooting me, eyes masked with her signature icy glare, didn't go unnoticed by me. If I'd ever doubted our "freaky twin connection" before, I couldn't any longer. She, better than anyone else, could tell that there was something on my mind and by the look in her eyes; I knew that she wouldn't let me get away from the table without forcing it out of me. Knowing what was coming; my gaze remained transfixed on the plate in front of me like it was the most interesting thing I'd ever caught sight of. The clearing of throats, however, drew my attention away from my food and with a will all their own, my eyes met those of my all too intuitive sister. She too had made her decisions concerning this monumental moment in our lives long before it was necessary. However, she favored staying nearer to home and attending U of A and majoring in Mechanical Engineering. Of course, her decision had been met with a favorable reaction; a fact that I was growing to be quite envious of.

"Jazzy, have you decided what college you'll be going to yet?" She asked with just the slightest of smirks on her face.

I nearly choked on the food I'd been chewing when that question was asked. Logically, I knew that she wasn't aware of the exact causes for my elusiveness but the pointed glances and thinly veiled intuitive smirks made it clear that she wasn't completely ignorant to the war that had been raging within me. I'd venture to assume that she was under the impression I had no plans as I'd never expressed interest in college. The Military was probably the furthest thing from her mind right now, and though it pains me to admit, no plans definitely trumped plans that involved military service around here. I stared at her, my heart beating erratically in my chest, as I tried to formulate something mildly acceptable. All the words I'd spent hours going over in my head were lost. My mind ceased processing, along with other basic functions, as I scrambled for a response. Every possible answer that flitted through my mind was quickly dismissed; nothing sounded right and as time stretched on, my body began to react to the stress.

I inhaled deeply – a vain attempt at controlling my nerves – recognizing that the time for avoidance and deflection had run its' course, and allowed my eyes to flicker around the room. My mouth opened of its' own volition before quickly snapping close again as various scenarios played out in my head. This happened multiple times before the frustrated staccato beats of Roses' fingernails on the table top broke through my contemplative haze.

"I – uh – I enlisted in the Army," I finally managed to stutter out, my gaze transfixed on the blank dining room wall behind her head as I awaited the imminent backlash that was surely coming. The room was deathly silent for all of two seconds before Roses' high pitched shriek pierced the calm façade that had settled.

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"I enlisted in the Army today," I muttered, my gaze dropping to the plate of food in front of me that suddenly didn't seem so appetizing.

Rose continued yelling at me from across the table, her ire tangibly filling the air around me. Her lack of subtlety didn't surprise me at all, but the threats and accusations she threw in my face did. One look in her eyes told me all that I needed to know; she was furious. The words being launched at me – _idiot, ridiculous, zero regard for their feelings – _only confirmed these thoughts. I scoffed at her reaction, internally, and momentarily contemplated just how self-centered she could be. At the realization that no one else had uttered a single word, I chanced a look up at my mom and Bella only to quickly look away when seeing the matching looks of horror and betrayal etched on their faces. Amidst Roses' curses that were aimed at me, I excused myself from the table and made a break for my room. The sound of chairs scraping on hardwood met my ears as I reached the top of the stairs and curiosity got the best of me as I chanced one last look over my shoulder only to be met with the pain filled eyes of my mother. The set in her jaw was indicative of a verbal lashing the likes of which I'd seen play out on numerous occasions, but thankfully had never been the recipient of, until now.

As the weeks passed, the atmosphere at home was tense and everyone was on edge in anticipation of what was to come. My "blatant act of defiance," as my mother so aptly referred to it, was rarely mentioned except in passing. We all seemed to be operating under the – what I'd coined – denial clause that allowed everyone to fool themselves into thinking that as long as it wasn't mentioned, it wasn't true. After the initial blow up from Rose, she avoided me like the plague, only sparing the occasional pointed glare in my direction before continuing on with her life. Bella's reaction, however, was the most painfully heart wrenching. Even though Rose was my twin – and in many ways, one of the best friends I'd ever had – I'd always been much closer to Bella. The knowledge that her  
pain stemmed from the belief that I was leaving her _permanently_ pervaded the house constantly. She'd never been very good at hiding her emotions, least of all from me, and in the weeks leading up to graduation and my departure for basic training, her pain became my pain. I avoided home as much as was possible in an effort to retain some semblance of my sanity and to cling to what once was. There was no doubt in my mind that I too was in denial, but a denial of a different sort.

On numerous occasions, I tried to be the proverbial "bigger man," but my pleas for understanding repeatedly fell on deaf ears. More often than not, I was ignored completely and when I wasn't being ignored, I was being chastised and lectured about the numerous opportunities I was throwing away to "chase a ghost." I knew that my fathers' service in the military had played a part in my decision, but to have it so blatantly thrown in my face like it was something that I should be ashamed of was the equivalent of Chinese water torture; a slow, albeit metaphorical, death. Why they couldn't understand that this wasn't just some half-cocked idea to connect with my father but something that _I_ also wanted for myself eluded me. I'd never asked for much – never really needed something enough that would require asking – until now when all I desired was their understanding.

Graduation was upon me much quicker than I'd anticipated and with it came an onslaught of nerves the likes of which were incomparable. The official end of my high school career meant the commencement of my military life and further strains on my relationship with my family. Even if I'd wanted to change my mind at this point, it was impossible; I was bound by contractual agreement for a term no shorter than four years. The ceremony itself went well and was followed by another family dinner in celebration of mine and Roses' accomplishments, but what should have been a celebratory event was filled with an air of mourning laced with guilt. The realizations that in less than twenty-four hours, I'd be on a plane to Ft. Jackson, SC seemed to hit everyone at once as the obligatory congratulatory sentiments were shared.

I finished packing that night, when we got home, exuding an air of confidence that I didn't feel but filled with an unbridled determination to follow through and prove their preconceived notions wrong. I denied many things as I flitted about my room making sure that I had everything I needed, but the one thing I didn't deny was my overwhelming and all consuming pride. I was far too proud – and stubborn – to even begin to entertain the idea that I'd gone about this the wrong way. It may have been foolish of me, but I believed that by morning everything would be relatively okay. We'd part ways, temporarily, on good terms and I'd come home in a few short months and do my best to fix the relationships I'd so thoroughly destroyed.

I fell into bed hours later, exhausted beyond words but filled with equal parts excitement and apprehension. This was what I wanted, but I'd never taken well to change and the changes that I was walking headlong into were unequivocally life altering, not for the faint of heart or the weak-willed. For the next four years, I'd be nothing more than a small part of a well-oiled machine, no longer in control of my own life. In all the time that I'd had to think over the choice that I'd made, I never once felt fear to this degree. The impact of the coming changes hit me full force as I fell into a restless sleep. Dreams of a lonely life flooded my over exerted mind as I tossed and turned in bed, dreading the rise of the sun. I'd all but shunned the only people I could depend on and just the simple thought that I'd be standing up for what I truly believed in without their support was enough to bring the doubts that had lingered on the peripheries of my thoughts to the forefront of my mind.

The sounds of my alarm invaded my addled sleep-deprived mind as I lay in bed contemplating every decision I'd made that had led up to this moment. The contracts had been signed – every "I" dotted and every "T" crossed – my bags were packed and waiting by the front door and my flight booked, yet every cell in my body screamed for me to stay and seek reconciliation in whatever way possible. It came of no surprise to me that no one but Charlie was around to see me off. It was a true testament to my resilient nature that I didn't throw in the towel then and there and beg for their forgiveness. My family, especially my sisters, was the most important people in my life and they're support and acceptance meant more to me than all the riches of the world combined. The lack of their presence solidified what I already knew: once I walked out the front door, I was walking away from a life that I'd long since grown accustomed to – a life of comfort and dependability. Still, I walked away, closing that door snugly behind me and traipsed into a future that held a multitude of unknowns. The anger was there, laying in wait just below the surface, but it was overshadowed by the hurt. I'm not ashamed to admit that I fought back tears for most of the silent drive. My body was wracked with guilt, pain and anger, each emotion fighting for dominance and successfully wearing me out to the point of complete emotional debilitation. I was relieved that Charlie didn't choose this day to be uncharacteristically talkative during the drive; I needed the unimpeded silence that being in his company offered.

Basic training was grueling in more ways than one. I wrote home every chance I got even though every letter went unanswered. In the back of my mind, I was well aware of the fact that I was being ostracized not for my decision itself, but for the way I went about making it. I'd shut everyone out well before they were made aware of what I had planned on doing and in a family where secrets weren't generally kept, this was practically an unpardonable sin. With every day that passed, I grew more accustomed to the loneliness that was prevalent, even surrounded by hundreds of people. The mental solitude was my safe harbor and what kept me from falling off the brink of insanity that I'd so often found myself teetering on. Every day, I reminded myself that once I was done with this, I could go home and make amends for the way I'd left things. It was that singular shred of hope that kept me going whenever I felt like giving up. I wouldn't let myself fail at something that I'd put above everything else in my life. I refused to go home a failure and I refused to let their reactions to the life I chose affect me so strongly. The belief that they still loved me and would forgive me was one of the few consistencies in my thoughts and I clung to that belief with a strength I didn't know I'd even possessed. I acclimated well to the military lifestyle and with a finesse and strength that I'd previously been unaware of. It was as if I'd been born for this and this alone with the way that I worked through the rigorous training. This revelation only served to solidify the belief that I'd made the right choice; a fact that I was determined to highlight in my defense when the time came.

I returned home a changed man. No longer was I the same boy – yes, boy – that had left home only a day after graduating high school thinking he was invincible and believing that he knew it all. I had been broken down and built back up to the Army's specifications and tested – physically and mentally – in ways I'd never even known existed. The training stripped away everything that you'd grown accustomed to and replaced it with meticulous order. Every last detail of your everyday life was appropriately accounted for and more than sufficiently ordered. It pushed you to your limits and failed to stop there; everything from the physical aspect of working out to the psychological and physiological aspect. As I stood at the end of the driveway, rucksack at my feet, I couldn't help feeling like the prodigal son returning home to beg for acceptance, support and understanding. However, as I was no longer the same boy that I'd been when I left, I also didn't harbor the same feelings as I'd had then. Being back home wasn't out of obligation to anyone but me; a choice that I'd made after much deliberation. I wanted to clear the air and atone for the mistakes that I made. The fault didn't rest solely on my shoulders, nor were they to blame. There were no innocent parties and whatever transpired when I walked through those front doors again would set the course for the relationship between my family and I for years to come. The stubbornness that every member of my family possessed could, at times, be stifling, but with this knowledge I knew that I'd have to make the first move.

No one was home yet – school and work would keep them occupied for a few more hours – so I let myself in, placed my things in my room and decided to cook dinner while I waited. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on me as thoughts of how this estrangement all began flitted through my mind while I perused the kitchen trying to piece together a suitable meal for five with the ability to double as a peace offering. The smells of Frittata – the only meal I'd ever learned how to cook impeccably – engulfed me as I inhaled deeply. Mixed with the scent that was so uniquely home, the nervous energy that I'd been emitting since I'd arrived dissipated and contentment pervaded. I could feel the stirrings of a smile – genuine, no less – playing on my face while I leaned against the counter taking in my surroundings. The relaxing nature of my task brought forth memories of my all too disastrous first attempt at cooking. It was a much simpler and happy time, even with every surface of the kitchen coated in a fine layer of flour and the air thick with smoke, filled with the slowly fading scent of the roast I'd managed to burn. With her face filled with utter amusement, Bella patiently helped me clean the mess I'd made before starting over with my cooking lesson.

A sharp gasp followed by a loud thud interrupted my musings and I was soon inundated by the scent of strawberries and freesia as Bella launched herself into my arms. For a moment, I was afraid that she'd start crying but as I attempted to disentangle her arms from my neck, her grip only tightened. Reassured with the fact that I couldn't hear her sniffling or feel wetness from her tears, I hugged her back, elated with her unexpected reaction to me being back. Moments later, her hold on my neck loosened and she dropped back to the floor. As always, her face betrayed her emotions and though I could see the happiness there, with an undercurrent of pain.

"I missed you, Bells."

"I missed you too, Jazz," she murmured, hugging me again.

Another presence in the kitchen claimed my attention as I caught the movement from the corner of my eye. Looking towards the entryway, I was met with a glare that would've brought Satan himself to his knees.

"Hey Rosie," I greeted her, a slight tremor of unease in my voice.

"So the prodigal son has returned," she scoffed as she sauntered into the kitchen, her distrust stifling as it rolled off of her in waves. "Come on Bells, I'll help you with that assignment you asked me about yesterday."

I met Bella's apologetic stare as she and Rose retreated from the room, leaving me trapped in an air of discomfort. I watched their departure until I could no longer see them before dropping my head to my hands, mentally chastising myself for hanging on to the hope that everything would be, at the very least, okay. Rhythmic footsteps advancing towards me caught my attention and I raised my head to see my mother standing just feet away, one hand resting over her heart and the other over her mouth as emotion after emotion flickered across her face; hurt, anger, confusion, distress and … love?

"Mom, I'm – "

"Not now," she cut me off with an unsteady voice. "We'll talk later; during dinner."

I nodded in acquiescence and turned my attention back to the food that I'd been neglecting. The sound of her advancing footsteps surprised me and within seconds, I found myself in my mothers' embrace. It took me a moment to react but once the shock wore off, I wrapped my arms around her, murmuring my apologies in her ear. We embraced each other for a minute or two before she gently pulled away and left the room without a word. I quickly shook off my shock and focused on the task at hand reminding myself that I'd have my say in regards to this entire situation soon enough.

Dinner was, for lack of a better term, interesting. Tense would probably be a more suitable word to use, or even downright insanely uncomfortable. Here I was, tail tucked and head bowed – metaphorically, of course – to apologize and make amends and everyone was just … I don't even fucking know. Polite would be one way to describe it, which hardly sounds like a bad day in the Hale-Swan home, but I felt as if I were trapped in some awful re-run of _Pleasantville_ and it was all just too damn much. I actually missed the less than innocent banter that my sisters and I used to engage in when life was normal. Yet here I was, trying to be optimistic about my return home – half glass full and all that shit – and aside from all the "please pass _this_," and "please hand me _that_," I was being studiously ignored. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife and I could almost literally see the damn elephant in the room, sitting comfortably on the table staring me down with a glare colder than one Rose could ever hope to give anyone – a feat I would've thought to be impossible only a few hours ago.

Finally at my wits end with all the avoidance and ignoring going on, I cleared my throat – quietly, of course – and prepared myself for the groveling that was about to ensue. At the sound of my throat clearing, all the other noises in the room ceased to the point that you could've heard a pin drop on a stack of hay – whether you were waiting for it or not – and all heads turned in my direction. I mentally coached myself through the apologies streaming through my mind on fast forward and made the snap decision that although it'd probably be more proper to apologize to my mom before anyone else, my sisters deserved it more.

I could only hope that the look on my face was one filled with apologies and agonizing guilt as my eyes flickered back and forth between Rose and Bella. The look on their faces was one I recognized well – hurt and betrayal with guilt lingering around the edges; just enough guilt to crack my calm and collected façade.

"I'm sorry," I breathed out, my voice nothing more than a whisper.

"I'm sorry for … everything. For keeping what I had planned on doing a secret for so long, for finally admitting to it the way that I did. For not being man enough to apologize before I left. For just leaving. I'm just … sorry."

I could feel their eyes burning holes in the top of my head as I stared down at the table just waiting for them to say something – anything – to alleviate the guilt I felt. It was a tough position for me to be in. I was apologizing for things that, though I knew I needed to apologize for, wasn't entirely my fault. I no longer cared though. I missed them, all of them. All I wanted was my family back – my sisters back – and my life to resemble something a little closer to what it once was. I wasn't naïve enough to believe that everything would be all sunshine's and rainbows after this, but at this point, I'd take anything and do anything to regain my spot in their lives.

It was Bella that spoke next, and I could hear the tears in her voice as she stuttered out her own apology while attempting to keep her sobs at bay. "I'm – we're – sorry too," she managed to get out before the tears got the best of her. Rose took over where Bella had left off, her impenetrable walls and ice cold demeanor slowly giving way.

"We should've been more understanding, Jazzy, but that just … it caught us off-guard," Rose murmured as she fidgeted with her napkin, clearly uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. "It came clear out of left field when we weren't even playing baseball."

I couldn't help but chuckle at her skewed analogy and just like that, the tension that had filled the room to the point of overflowing dissipated. I turned my eyes towards her again in an effort to analyze the look on her face and was more thrilled than any normal person would've been to see the corners of her mouth turned up in a half grin. Just as had always been the case, her eyes told me everything that I needed to know; Even though I was forgiven, I still had a lot to make up for. With the conversation getting off to the right start, I turned my attention to my mom and reiterated my apologies to her, silently pleading with her for understanding and acceptance. The mood at the dining room table had shifted dramatically in the short amount of time that I'd been allowed the chance to get off my chest all that had built up over the past months. Apologies were accepted, and in turn given – along with explanations. Though we may not have realized it before, the separation while I was away at BCT was much more helpful in rebuilding our relationships. It gave all of us a chance to take a step back and re-evaluate all our past decisions and discrepancies and consider other viewpoints. As dinner faded into dessert, Charlie was uncharacteristically giddy and managed to draw my attention to him before he cleared his throat and took my mothers' hand in his.

"I think I speak for everyone here when I say that it's great to have you home kid." He paused for a moment, looking to my mom for permission to proceed with his speech.

"_We_," his inflection and the way his eyes lingered on my mother and Rose didn't escape me, but I pretended not to notice for proprieties sake. "May have been too proud to admit to our mistakes before, but over the time that you've been away we've realized that you needed to do this for you."

"I really appreciate you saying that," I replied, slightly choked up from the overwhelming emotions that surrounded me. "And it's really great to be home again." **  
**

The remainder of the evening was much better than the start had been. Our witty banter returned as if nothing had happened as our somewhat philosophical discussions became interspersed with playful teasing that I was so accustomed to. Even my mother was much more lighthearted and playful than she was before I left, often joining in on the teasing taking place. Her smile, though not reaching her eyes, lifted a weight off my shoulders. I won't say that all just and right in my world, but it was a step forward, away from the guilt and pain that had been such a dominant factor for the past months. There was still a lot that needed to be worked through that wouldn't be fixed overnight, but it was more than I'd expected and for that I was happy. I had something to work with now and I made a vow to myself that I'd do whatever it took to fully repair the fractured relationships with everyone sitting around the table. I knew that it would be difficult when I left again but I reveled in the feelings of being home and having the opportunity to get back on the right foot. Even the inevitability of what was to come couldn't intrude upon the happiness that we all felt at that moment. I would be leaving again; we were all well aware of that truth - time was nothing more than an inconsequential and vaguely addressed reality. But, the simplicity and familiarity of it all was comforting. When the time came, the good-byes were exponentially easier. I wasn't walking out the door without their support like I had the first time around. Most importantly, I wasn't walking out alone; everyone was there when I left. The nagging doubts still lingered but it was easily pushed aside to be replaced by the understanding they'd given and the love they continued to show.

In the months that followed, my life became that of the soldier I'd trained so hard to be. Work was tough and more often than not, the end of my days brought on an exhaustion that simply couldn't be denied. Sometimes weeks passed before I was even able to catch a spare moment and call home to check in. Although my return home had ended on a positive note, my own insecurities and guilt were paramount. The longer we went without contact, the guiltier I became and in allowing that guilt to consume me, the longer we went without contact. It really was a horribly vicious cycle. It wasn't necessarily a conscious choice on my part, real life was just much more imminent and had a way of interfering when was least expected. The constant delivery of packages from home and the random emails I received kept me grounded. Even though there were times where I couldn't be what I wanted – and the brother and son they needed – the understanding that they demonstrated filled my heart. The guilt was still there though; I missed more birthdays and holidays and broke more promises than I cared to admit to, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

My deployment orders were met with an unexplainable feeling of excitement. This was the reason I'd made the decision to enlist in the Army; to do something and be someone apart from my family. Yet, the inability to reconcile those two lives had worn me out. I'd already spent exuberant amounts of time and energy evading the consistent invitations and requests to come home. Rose asked – more often than not, demanded would've been the more suitable term – Bella and my mother pleaded, almost managing to get through to my more sensible, family-oriented side and even Charlie brought these same requests up from time to time. I just couldn't, and I felt like shit for denying them the only thing that they'd asked of me. It all came back to the fear and apprehension that I felt – illogical as it might've been – of them being able to move on without me. This deployment was the most valid and justifiable excuse I could've given, offering me an escape from the monotony that I'd begun to grow stagnant in and a chance to learn the art of appreciation.

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**A/N: **Still with me? My poor Jasper is all conflicted and mildly contradictory. It's okay, though, it'll all get sorted out … eventually. The next chapter will be in his POV again, and will be a bit of a jump in time. Hopefully it'll be ready for posting by next week and I'll be able to keep up a weekly update schedule. I shall keep my fingers crossed for that.

Lastly, the chapters _are_ song names as well. The songs do give some insight into the psyche of whatever character's POV the chapter may be in. I have links to the video/lyrics posted on my profile so please check them out.


	3. Running Home

**Title: **Purest of Pain; Running Home  
**Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted story lines.

**A/N: **I actually kept to the whole once a week thing and I'm entirely too fucking proud of that tiny, inconsequential detail. Alas, it is done and posted and well … I'm fucking anxious as all hell. Unfortunately, Erica tells me I'm not allowed to barricade myself into my dark corner like I'd much rather be doing sooooo, here I am.

As per the usual, I have to thank my betas, **vi0lentserenity **– the holster to my pistol – and **magan bagan** for without them, this wouldn't be posted … ever. No lie. I also have to thank friends and fellow authors, **RAEcouter** and **ahizelm** for their input many, many moons ago. They're awesome and you should definitely go check out their stories as well; both are listed under my favorite authors.

And lastly, as I mentioned in the final A/N of the last chapter, there's been a bit of a time jump from that chapter to this one, so just keep that in mind.

* * *

**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

* * *

"_I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." ~ Gilda Radner_

**[JPOV]**

The intricacies and ambiguities of death still managed to unsettle me day after day, regardless of the fact that it's such an ever present component in my life; more prominent than _almost _anything else. It's what I was trained to do – defending my home country like this – and it came almost instinctively. I'd never seen it as anything more than what it was – a necessary evil, if you will, to protect the innocent from those who killed with no remorse. I've seen friends – men and women that I considered family – die, I've watched innocent people get killed because they were merely in the wrong place at the wrong time and as hesitant as I am to admit it, I've played a part in taking lives myself. You would think that being faced with imminent death so often I'd be nothing more than numb to it by now. If only I could be that lucky.

It had been 3 ½ days since my world had been turned upside down. 84 hours since everything that I knew and depended on had come crashing down around me. 5040 minutes since I realized that there was nothing that I could possibly do to fix this. 302400 seconds since my carefully constructed façade had cracked after I'd spoken to my inconsolable and hysterical sisters. Yet it feels like an entire lifetime is passing me by as I sit here in this airport terminal on the other side of the world waiting for my flight to board; waiting to go home. I'd lost all sense of decorum hours ago and couldn't bring myself to care about how I was representing the US Military right now. My eyes kept unwillingly drifting close as I fought to keep them open and remain alert in an effort to ward off the unwelcome, yet persistent, memories that continued to barrage me.

"_Hale, there's been an accident and you need to call home as soon as possible. The call just came through from the Red Cross."_

All it took were those two sentences, simple as they might have been, to turn my blood ice cold and make my mouth run dry. The scenarios that ran through my mind, though unbidden, paled in comparison to what had happened. I called home, fingers trembling and heart threatening to burst through my chest, and was greeted with the heart wrenching sobs of my baby sister. Ten minutes and three tearful breakdowns later, they were finally composed enough to tell me what happened. Their broken voices alternately drowning each other out and conceding to each other would forever be etched into my memory.

"_D-Dad an-and M-M-Mom … C-Car Acc-id-ident … G-Gone!"_

Exhaustion riddled my body as I desperately tried to seek solace in the less grueling thoughts that flitted randomly – and rapidly – through my brain. Anything would be better than seeing the fear, the blood and the blind panic in my mind's eye. What I didn't know, my mind fabricated and I clung desperately to any sense of normalcy that I could. I still hadn't accepted it. I couldn't and wouldn't believe it until I absolutely had no choice to. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt; of this I am absolutely certain. My life hadn't been perfect by any means, but I'd been happy with it. My mom and Charlie were great parents and Rose and Bella were the best sisters anyone could ever ask for. I let my mind wander, undeterred, to the last conversation I'd had with Rose right before I'd taken up refuge in the overcrowded terminal that I currently found myself in.

"_Jazzy, I –" Her momentary pause was followed by a deep and painful sigh; a sigh that said more than words ever could. _

"_I wish I knew how to tell you this but … I – I don't. I don't – I can't even fully understand it myself and with … with everything else going on I just – you need to know … at least as much as I can explain." _

_Confusion clouded my mind as I attempted to follow her train of thought, failing miserably in the process. "What do you mean, Rosie?"_

"_It's – I – you're already dealing with so much and … I – I don't want to put this on you I'm just – I don't know what to do. It's Bella … she's different; cold, withdrawn. Most of the time looking at her is like … I don't know, I can't explain it. This – whatever this is – started about a year ago but it … she was starting to get better. We talked about trying to get her into therapy, especially when she began losing weight at an alarmingly fast rate. But, she's stubborn and … she just wouldn't. She fought it. Those were the only times that I could even see a tiny hint of our sister." _

_Strangled sobs emanated through the phone line and I did my best to comfort her, knowing that my words offered little solace._

"_I'm coming home, Rosie. I'll be there soon. Whatever it is that's going on, it can't be that bad. We'll figure this out." _

_My words, though innocent enough, were far from the thoughts that impeded my mind at that moment. I understood the premise of her warning – the stress that this news would've caused had I been told any earlier would've been far too distracting – but there was an ire I felt at having been kept out of the loop that was difficult to push aside. _

I sighed heavily as I contemplated her words and the pain that was ever present in her tacit sobs. Everything in me, every ounce of my being, ached to be home with her – with them. The intense need to protect and shield them from the cruel realities of the world was stifling. Bella had always been rather quiet and kept to herself a lot, but never with Rose and me. In fact, there had never been any secrets between the three of us; there had never been any need for them. '_Except for your senior year of high school' _my overexerted mind taunted, entirely too fucking smug for the situation at hand. Still, I found it hard to believe that there was something going on with Bella, at least in the way that Rose had insinuated. I couldn't explain to you exactly why, but my mind just couldn't – or wouldn't – fucking grasp the idea that she – _Bella_ – had changed.

Frustration hit me like a brick wall as the reality of my exhaustion set in. I'd been awake for well over forty-eight hours now and the intermittent naps beforehand only served to remind me why sleep simply was not an option for me. Instead, I thought back over the most disturbing piece of information that I'd gathered about the accident. When I realized that neither Rose nor Bella could tell me any details about it beyond the basics, I'd looked it up online. I wasn't expecting a full story, but the local news sites from back home did have enough details to sate my morbid curiosity as well as fuel my anger.

_James. Fucking. Garnet._ My fists clenched automatically as I desperately fought down the building fury inside of me. I could feel my blunt nails biting into the skin of my palms and the slight tremors rocking through my rigid frame. As much as I didn't want to believe that someone I knew – no, someone I'd _known_ – had stolen them from me, I couldn't argue with what was plainly written on the computer screen. He'd been obscenely drunk – completely and utterly fucking trashed – and had run a red light, hitting my parents head on. The fact that they'd died on impact and hadn't suffered was slightly comforting, but not enough to ease the anger that flooded my every sense when I thought about what happened and especially that he'd survived. "A few broken bones and a concussion," the article stated.

I'd known James back in High School and we'd somewhat become friends over the years. We hung out from time to time, but our views of the world in general were far too different to form any lasting bonds. After graduation, he'd supposedly gone off on some road trip with his then girlfriend, Victoria, and I'd enlisted in the Army. I'd heard from mutual friends back home that he'd moved back to town a little over a year ago and was obsessed with _some girl_. That's all they said, "Some girl," because no one knew who this girl was. It wasn't like James to keep shit like that to himself. He wasn't shy about flaunting all his sexual exploits and I'd witnessed enough of his obsessions in High School to know that he stopped at nothing to get what he wanted. Knowing this, I felt an overwhelming need to defend this unknown person; a need that I couldn't completely understand.

Filing that thought away for later, I gathered all my belongings as I heard the boarding announcement for my flight come over the PA system. I stood up slowly, stretching as I rose, and headed towards the line at my gate. Nineteen hours and sixteen minutes of nothing but time with my thoughts; _great, exactly what I need right now_.

I trudged off towards the line and walked slowly to the podium, handed the gate attendant my boarding pass and walked down the hall to board the plane, thankful that I was the last in. As soon as I got aboard, the urge to escape blindsided me. I curled my fingers into my palm again while composing my face into a mask of indifference. I'd never felt this kind of panic in confined spaces until quite recently and it was … unnerving. I quickly inhaled a deep breath, with fists clenched even tighter, and willed my heart to return to its normal rate. I couldn't afford to have a panic attack right now or I'd never make it home. After a few moments standing at the head of the plane, I was able to control my breathing and quell the surging panic as I walked to my seat.

I double-checked my seat number twice and cursed under my breath. I was sitting in the middle of two girls that appeared to be around my age and both were eyeing me appreciatively. I resisted the desire to be rude and gave them both a tight smile after tossing my bag into the overhead baggage compartment and squeezing in between them. Nineteen hours and sixteen minutes never seemed so fucking long in all my life.

In an effort to put off any forced conversation with them, I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and put the ear buds in, spinning the wheel mindlessly while I waited for the announcement informing me to shut it I leaned back against the headrest, I felt the girl on my right push her thigh up against my leg and I sat up straighter, shooting her a death glare in the process. I would've felt bad if she hadn't given me a look that she must have thought was seductive but instead came off looking like an awkward grimace. I chuckled quietly to myself at how absolutely pathetic some girls could be. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that the attention I was receiving was in direct correlation to the uniform I was wearing, and to be quite honest, it made me sick.

_God damn tag chasers!_

I noticed the flight attendants doing their final cabin check before getting ready to give their little safety spiel and I decided that it wouldn't hurt to rest my eyes for a moment. I was confident that I could fight off the need for sleep even if I relaxed a little. _Oh how wrong I was_. Sleep took me almost immediately and at first, it was a welcome reprieve from my conscious thoughts, as was always the case.

Two hours later, I was shocked awake by someone shaking my shoulders. I popped up in my seat on full alert, inadvertently reaching for my shoulder strap until I realized that I was in the middle of a crowded plane that was currently en route to Washington D.C. I looked up, following the hands that were currently resting on my shoulder, into the eyes of a frightened looking flight attendant and I noticed that the two girls that had been sitting on either side of me were standing behind her, panic clearly displayed on both their faces.

_Fuck, now they probably think that I'm fucking crazy!_

_Well, that would be because you are._

_What-the fuck-ever, I'm not crazy._

_You're having an internal conversation with yourself. I'd think that would definitely classify you as crazy._

Shaking my head slightly to clear my thoughts and wake myself up, I gave the flight attendant a small smile in hopes that it would relieve any fears she had of me and leaned back into my seat. Glancing at my watch, I let out a sigh and resumed my musings from earlier. There were many things that I didn't want to willingly think about, but they were the only things that kept running through my mind; uncontrolled, unbidden and wholly un-fucking-necessary.

_Iraq. The stifling and oppressive heat that pervaded my every sense. The miles upon miles of nothing but desert sand. Viscous pooling and splattered blood. Horrific screams. Anger. Confusion. The torridity of the blazing fire and oppressively thick black smoke, a byproduct of the roadside bombing. Travis. Rose. Mangled metal of the car. Bella. James. _

The exhaustion hit me again, but I successfully fought it off this time, forcing my eyes to stay open as I stared at the back of the chair in front of me. I hated that I still couldn't picture it clearly in my head. I hated that I still went over my every action that day, analyzing it to death and convincing myself that I could've changed the outcome. I wanted to scream, cry and pummel something, anything. I just wanted to – no, I needed to – release the repressed emotions that had only been heightened with the news of the death of my parents.

As I saw the flight attendant walking back down the aisle, I decided that I needed a pick-me-up in the form of cheap airplane Vodka and requested a few bottles. Within an hour, I was noticeably – and severely – inebriated. Under any other circumstances, I'd probably be more than disgusted with myself for resorting to liquor in order to fend off the unwanted memories, but with my level of intoxication, I really couldn't find it in me to care. Uniform or not, I was going to make the most of these hours even if the liquor only granted me temporary sanity. As long as I didn't have to think about anything that had happened in the past couple months, I was fucking golden.

Two hours later, I was talking to my seat neighbors as if I'd known them my entire life. The conversation – though initially stilted – quickly became both comfortable and comforting. Granted, they didn't know much about the Civil War and I knew next to nothing about anything needlessly _girly_, I was still able to relax. There was no doubt about my current state; I was sufficiently shit faced and I loved it. For the first time in almost four days, my thoughts weren't being barraged by the images of death and my heart wasn't constricting in unbearable pain. My body eased into the seat, melting into the restricting confines that came with air travel with a sigh of contentment. The alcohol induced haze that clouded my mind was much more than welcome.

_There might be something to this drinking thing after all._

After another hour of raucous laughter, I began to realize that my Vodka tasted, suspiciously, like water. I quirked an eyebrow at the flight attendant the next time she came by and she smiled shyly and looked away. I shrugged my shoulders at her in indifference and once again leaned back into the seat with my ear buds in. Unconsciousness could claim me now; I was much too drunk to give a fuck. The liquor induced respite was more than welcome as it kept the darkness – the nightmares, the flashbacks and all the damn emotions – at bay.

I woke up as I felt the plane descending feeling much more refreshed than I had been at any point during the last year. It was amazing what a few solid hours of sleep – regardless of your mental state – could do to you. When I opened my eyes, I was happy to see that it was the middle of the night and most of the other passengers were asleep as well. I quickly stuffed my iPod back into my pocket and cleaned up the area around my seat, anxious to land and get off of this claustrophobic and oppressive plane; anxious to call home and make sure that some semblance of sanity remained intact.

The plane touched down minutes later and the second the seatbelt sign was turned off, I was out of my seat and grabbing my carry-on bag. At that moment, the only thing that mattered was removing myself from this situation. I didn't even stop to think about the fact that being stuck on an airplane was certainly the lesser evil when compared to being stuck in an over-crowded airport with no means of escape.

Upon finding the gate at which I'd be boarding the plane to Phoenix, I found myself a secluded corner and grabbed my phone out of my bag. The desire to call home was overwhelming; I needed to know that, somehow, Rose was keeping everything together. As much as it pained me to admit it, I needed her strength as much – if not more – than she needed mine. Being so close to home shook my calm and rational demeanor in the worst way. It was as if my heart was already accepting what my mind refused to even consider.

I listened to the ringing in my ear as I studied the area that I was waiting in, mentally cataloging the exits and everyone milling around. I carefully studied a few groups of people, gauging their threat level and subconsciously reaching for a weapon that was nowhere to be found. I quickly snapped out of my reverie when I heard Rose's voice on the other end of the line.

We spoke for a few minutes, trading updates and halfhearted reassurances, before we got off the phone; me with promises of having a safe flight – as if that were really in my control – and her with promises of being at the airport waiting for me, with Bella in tow. I allowed myself a slight smile at the thought of finally seeing my sisters again. It had been far too long, and though I wished more than anything that this reunion was under better circumstances, I was resigned to accept what little normality I could get.

After a moment, I pulled my phone back out and dialed the one person that could calm me down with just her voice and soothe my every fear with just a few words. Alice.

Never in a million years would I have thought that I'd meet the love of my life online while I was mid-deployment – or quite a few states away even when I was stateside. It was a running joke in my squadron and we never failed to make fun of anyone who dared get into an online relationship. It was irresponsibly pathetic. Then I fell for the beautiful pixie-like creature staring out of the screen with her wide, blue eyes; eyes that gave you the impression of knowing anything and everything about you with nothing more than a brief glance. With one single message from her, my entire world was flipped upside down and decidedly changed for the better. It didn't even matter that I became the brunt of the ribbing or that I was constantly being questioned and second-guessed about my relationship with her. Nor did it matter that I was – at the time – in the middle of a war zone and was stationed in Texas or originally from Arizona while she lived in Washington state. It was as if everything had just fallen into place and nothing short of death – if even that – could tear us apart. There were, of course, passing comments made about her intentions but I ignored them. It would've been impossible to explain to anyone the bond that I felt to her or the inexplicable need for her.

We traded messages and emails and spoke via webcam more than I care to admit. Yet every time was still like the first time. The look on her face one of absolute and soul consuming elation when we "saw" each other for the first time is one that would stick with me forever. Even the melodic lilt to her voice had the ability to bring me to my knees with just one word. She affected me in ways that I never thought I'd experience; and all from the other side of the fucking world. Even when I was at my absolute worst, when the flashbacks and memories were far more real than I wanted them to be, she was my light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. The sun, the moon and the stars all rolled into one tiny yet exquisite package.

I heard her musical voice indicating that I'd reached her voice mailbox and glanced at my watch to check the time – 11:15 A.M. here made it 8:15 in Washington. Realizing that she was at work and would be unable to pick up the call, I pressed "1" on my keypad and waited for the obligatory beep to sound so that I could leave her a message.

"_Ali Baby, its Jasper. I'm in D.C. right now, waiting for my flight to Phoenix. Thank you again for doing this and I'll see you in a couple days. Call me later so we can work out the details."_

I disconnected the call and leaned back in my seat, letting myself get lost in the memory of when I'd told her that I'd be back in Arizona. Everything that I'd held back in conversations with Rose came out when I spoke to her; the pain and utter helplessness that I felt at being on the other side of the world. All the uninhibited emotions that I'd managed to hold off just poured out, unfiltered. I never expected her to put in for vacation so she could fly down to Arizona to help me – _us _– with everything, but I can't and won't deny that just the thought of having her there to lean on through all of this lifted the weight from my shoulders, even if only minutely. The sounds of the bustling crowd around me brought me out of my musings and I momentarily contemplated heading to the airport bar before deciding on just listening to my iPod. I'd had enough to drink on the plane, and though the Vodka had served its purpose and calmed my frayed nerves, I wasn't, nor would I ever be, a drunk. Binge drinking wasn't something that I'd ever had the desire to participate in and I was slightly ashamed that I'd done so for those few hours between Germany and the U.S. I pacified myself by constantly drilling into my head that it was necessary at the time. Had I not, the scene I would've caused while thousands of feet above the Atlantic Ocean would've garnered me a one way pass to Guantanamo Bay.

Exhaling loudly, I checked the time again in an attempt to be doing something regardless of how mundane it was. Only a few minutes had passed since my last check and I was at a complete loss on how to occupy my time. I hadn't had "downtime" in forever and I honestly had no idea what to do with myself. If I let my mind wander, I'd be forced to relive events that were better left buried or I'd think about the loss that I had just experienced; the loss that had torn my perfect little bubble of a world to shreds. It was, inevitably, a no-win situation for me.

Without my permission, my overactive brain won out and I found myself tensed for the onslaught of the less than savory memories that I knew were coming. Travis had been my best friend; my right hand if you will. We'd met in Iraq a couple of weeks after I'd been deployed there. He was fresh out of Basic Training and ready and willing to prove himself, as was I. Within the confines of the war torn country that we found ourselves in, we managed to form a strong – and what _should've _been lasting – friendship. Where he went, I went and where I went, he went. If I thought about it hard enough, I could still see his face perfectly as if it were etched onto my brain. I could clearly remember almost everything we'd been through together. _Almost_. I remembered everything up until _that day_; the day that changed my life forever. Though my memories of that day have been nothing more than hazy and inconsistent images – having woken up 3 days later in the hospital in Germany – I knew that whatever had happened was bad. Nothing I did helped me to recall the memories that I was seeking. All I could remember were bits and pieces; parts of a puzzle that couldn't – or wouldn't – make sense. It was after _that day_ that the panic attacks had started. Military doctors said that it wasn't anything to be concerned about yet, but I knew myself and I knew that the surge of panic I felt in the most mundane of situations just wasn't me. Nothing made sense anymore.

I let out an exasperated and disgruntled sigh as I felt tears tracking down my face. How had I managed to lose so much in such a short amount of time? My best friend, my parents, my sanity and if what Rose had told me was even remotely true, my baby sister; all lost to me now - some physically and others emotionally. Roughly rubbing my hands across my tear streaked face, I checked the time again. There were only a few more minutes before boarding for my flight would begin and I wasn't so sure if I was ready for what awaited me. The reunion with my sisters would be bittersweet and -my first _physical_ meeting with Alice would be marred by pain and heartache and of course, the funeral.

My flight was finally called and I boarded yet another plane with trepidation. The panic surged through me yet again as I boarded the plane and I quickly fought it back, entirely too proud of myself for such an inconsequential accomplishment. Thankfully, this flight wasn't as crowded as my first and I found myself alone in my row of seats.

_Thank God for small favors._

The in-flight magazines couldn't hold my attention for longer than a few seconds here and there and the in-flight movie was a complete waste of time. Lunch was about to be served and I found myself, once again, vacillating between the pros and cons of having another few drinks. After a few minutes of intense thought, I figured that one drink wouldn't hurt, but one drink soon turned to two and before I knew it, I was once again sufficiently trashed. Call my temporary fix temporary insanity if you wish, but it helped. My thoughts were hazy and all I could really think about was squeezing in a few more hours of unhindered obliviousness; a temporary palliation from the nightmares, if you will. I finally didn't need to think or feel anything that I didn't want to think or feel.

Once again, I woke from my liquor induced haze as the plane was descending. I'd reached my final destination and yet, there were still so many roads to traverse before I could truly find some semblance of contentment with the path my life had taken. The other passengers began to buzz with sound and I cringed as my head started throbbing painfully. I needed to figure out another way to get the few hours of uninterrupted reprieve I needed without drinking myself into oblivion, but right now, I just needed to get off this damn plane without throwing up, falling over or passing out from the sudden noise invasion.

_Why the hell do they serve liquor on planes anyway?_

Finally getting off the plane with minimal problems, I made my way to baggage claim while simultaneously scanning the surrounding area for Rose and Bella. I reached the right luggage carousel in record time, and hung back a little ways, not wanting to be stuck in the melee that was taking place in front of me. I'd gladly wait for the crowds to dissipate before making my move.

The crowds began to slowly disperse and I took a few steps closer to the luggage carousel, waiting for my rucksack to come around again. I quickly spotted it and pulled it onto my shoulder before turning to head towards the elevators. As I made my way through the crowds, carefully avoiding physical contact with anyone around me, I spotted Rose and Bella - hand in hand - looking for the entire world as if they had lost everything. The pain seared through my heart again - just for a moment - at the sight of them. Rose, one of the strongest women that I've ever known, looked as if she were ready to collapse upon herself from the weight that she'd been forced to bear. Before I had a chance to move any further, Rose had flung herself into my arms, succumbing – even if just momentarily – to the onslaught of emotions that threatened to destroy her. I was somehow able to catch the both of us before I fell over and clung to her just as tightly, fighting off my own tears. Slowly, she was able to get control of her sobs and loosened her hold on me, allowing me to set her down on the floor. As I looked over her head, I noticed Bella standing a few steps away, hesitant in her actions. Emotion after emotion flitted across her face while she remained frozen in place, allowing me the chance to look get a better look at her. The fear that I felt – even from a distance – rolling off of her body in waves, stunned me. There were other feelings present, but the outright terror and thinly veiled torment overshadowed everything else. As quickly as these emotions made themselves known, she blinked them back; her face appearing as unreadable as a mask.

_What the fuck happened to my sister?_

Rose, noticing where my attention was, turned and reached her hand out towards Bella; an offering and a request all in one. Though her steps were uncertain, she moved towards us, her eyes locked on a point beyond me. Once she was within arm's reach, Rose pulled her forward, wrapping her in a bear-like hug, tears falling again; unrestrained in its' anguish. Bella's shoulders slowly relaxed from its' tense and unresponsive position and she soon returned the hug, tightly grasping the back of Rose's jacket in an ironclad grip. I pulled both my sisters towards me and cried silently - my face turned down into the top of Rose's head - as I mentally ran over what I'd just seen. Bella was disheveled at best. The dark circles under her eyes were a sharp contrast to the pale white of her skin. Her once sparkling brown eyes were dull and emotionless. Though her eyes shone with unshed tears, I could see the internal war she was waging as she fought to keep them in. And her frame – I could've lifted her over my head with one hand if I wanted to. As it were, I was afraid that I would break her by just hugging her. Of everything I'd had the opportunity to witness only moments before, the biggest surprise – and the cause of my fear and worry – were Bella's reluctance to display her emotions openly. Though – in the moments when her carefully constructed façade was dropped – I could still read her like an open book, she'd never been one to so candidly repress her emotions as she had done today.

"Let's get out of here," I whispered over the top of both their heads.

We walked back to the parking garage in silence, but not the comfortable silence that I was used to. I could literally feel my heart breaking with every step as I thought about the chasm that had grown between us. I felt like an outsider in my own family because of the guilt I still hung on to after all these years over enlisting. At the time, I wholeheartedly believed that I'd made the right choice for me, but now – looking at both my sisters – I wasn't so sure. I had missed so much and being home now made me regret the choices that I'd made so much more than I ever thought I would.

During the drive home, I contemplated how I would tell them about Alice. There was no denying that I'd put it off a little too long by waiting until I was home, but I could never find the right moment over the phone. Different scenarios ran through my head, not one of them alleviating my stress over the situation. I tried telling myself that they would just be happy that I was home and that the unattainable Jasper Hale was finally committed to one woman. Though I didn't immediately realize this, especially after staring down death day in and day out, I was truly scared senseless. It went without saying that my sisters' opinions meant a lot to me and of course, their opinion of Alice could make or break relationships. I just wasn't sure which relationships it would break. I wasn't willing to give my sisters up for anyone or any reason, but Alice was Alice. We had yet to _physically _meet, but she'd become such an important part of my existence in such a short amount of time and I wanted my sisters to like her; to be able to look past the unconventional start of our relationship and accept us as a couple.

_Fuck, what am I going to do?_

Pulling up to the house, I was jerked out of my thoughts by a sharp slap in the face from my dear old friend, reality. Physically, the house looked the same; pale blue with the white shutters that my mom forced Charlie and I into putting up one viciously hot summer. Her flower beds were still intact and looking no worse from the neglect that it had garnered over the past few days. Even the familiarity of the old Chevy truck that Bella refused to give up even after our parents had bought her a new car as a graduation gift was there. Yet, something was missing. The love I'd always felt on previous visits home was overshadowed by the lingering grief and it left me paralyzed. I was stuck in the comfort of the smooth leather interior of Rose's car, unable to take those few steps out of the car and into the house, unwilling to let life deal me yet another harsh blow; one that I would have no choice but to accept. I was home, with Rose and Bella. We were here, where we belonged, together. But, there was no one waiting for us beyond those doors. There was no one there to greet us – greet _me_. No hugs hello from my mother and no talks of sports from Charlie. There would be no fresh baked cookies set out to cool on the counter and no inquisitive glances when I carefully sidestepped pointed questions about my intimate relationships, or lack thereof.

_Just us. _

I broke. I barely recognized the mangled sounds emanating from deep within me. Every tear and heart wrenching sob tore through me with an unforgiving vengeance. I cried for every mistake; every forgotten birthday, every abandoned holiday, every curt greeting and all the missed opportunities. The pain I felt was unbearable beyond what words could describe, the emotions I felt battling within me for dominance left me weak and withered. I wanted to take all the pain that they felt because I deserved it. I'd failed at protecting them like I had promised I would so many years ago.

I couldn't tell you how long I lay there, curled up in a fetal position in the backseat of my sisters car, crying. Minutes turned into hours as I let the repressed emotions flow. My broken sobs finally turned into fragile whimpers as my body finally relaxed from its' tense position. I lay there and contemplated everything that I'd cried for and everything that I now had the opportunity to try and make right.

Opening my eyes slowly, I took in my surroundings as I sat up, flinching momentarily at the sudden brightness. Rose was curled up in the – now reclined – front passenger seat asleep; her hand dangling mere inches from mine and tear tracks still fresh on her face, and Bella was nowhere in sight. I took in her position, racking my brain for any memory of the time between arriving at the house – and my breakdown – until now and found that I couldn't remember anything that had happened in that time frame. Her position indicated that she'd tried to comfort me in some way, but trapped in the encompassing haze of grief, nothing she may have said or done had registered. Carefully, I opened my door and got out of the car, noticing that the front door was left open and deduced that Bella had run inside. A frustrated sigh escaped as I carefully opened Rose's door and lifted her out of the car. I made my way back to the house, every bit as apprehensive as I'd been before, but resolved to stay strong in the face of the overwhelming adversity that we faced.

Entering the front door, I feel my knees lock up as the smells of home engulf me. Momentarily shocked, my grip on Rose tightened almost subconsciously. I inhale greedily – never wanting to lose that scent that signifies love, compassion, caring, understanding and a myriad of other emotions – as I continued my trek through the house and into the den. Though there was never any doubt that home would still smell like how I'd remembered it, I was caught off-guard by how strongly the scents overwhelmed me. I reached the den quickly and noticed Bella sleeping restlessly on the daybed, her face still flitting through a range of emotions even in her sleep, and quickly decided to lay Rose next to her. As I slightly leaned forward to place her on the bed, Bella stirred infinitesimally, blinking her eyes to clear the sleepy haze that encumbered them – and momentarily catching my eye and tensing minutely – before being pulled under once again. Her breathing soon evened out again – a sure sign that sleep has taken her – and I carefully stood up straight, making sure not to jostle the bed as I move away to collapse onto the recliner.

The family portrait above the mantle held my attention now as I let my mind drift back to the happier memories of my youth. Back to when everything was so much simpler and my biggest worry was getting good grades or whatever predicament I had gotten myself into that resulted in yet another detention. What I wouldn't give to have those days back, to be sitting here watching ridiculously cheesy movies and flinging popcorn at my sisters as they collapsed in a heap of giggles and wayward limbs.

Abandoning the thoughts of what once was, I rose from my seat and headed off in search of the bottle of whiskey that Charlie kept in the kitchen. If nothing else, I was going to drown my sorrows in cheap liquor for one last time before I had to deal with the severity of life. Shot after shot burned my throat as I slowly but steadily drained the bottle in front of me. I was half seated on the bar stool trying desperately to forget everything, even if only for a moment. After the exhaustion of my earlier break down, I just needed the welcoming embrace of the unaccompanied darkness that the whiskey could – and would eventually – bring. I knew that I was tempting the hand of fate here – the headache from my earlier binges and crying jag had yet to abate – but I easily blocked the doubts and imbibed.

Then I heard it, the almost silent whispers broke through the haze, and in the moment it took me to wrap my mind around what I was hearing, the whimpers turned into full blown shrieks. I launched myself from my spot on the stool over the counter and back into the den, stumbling only minutely from the sudden movement coupled with the overindulgence of liquor. It was like I was moving too fast and yet not fast enough at the same time as the shrieks reverberated throughout the house. I came to a dead stop at the sight in front of me, my mind unable to completely comprehend what I was seeing or hearing. Even though my initial thoughts were that of some kind of tangible threat – those I _knew _how to deal with – this was infinitely worse than anything I could ever have imagined.

_Dammit, Rose was right._

I stood there, feet frozen to the floor, taking in the scene in front of me. Rose, more accustomed to this situation, quickly covered Bella's convulsing body with her own in an effort to still her quaking frame while attempting to wake her from whatever terror haunted her dreams. My already fragile heart shattered as I finally forced my feet to move forward. I quickly removed my jacket and climbed onto the bed to help Rose. Without a second thought, I reached over to help Rose comfort her, but the second my hand touched hers, her eyes snapped open and she yanked herself back. The look on her face tore through me painfully, gripping at my heart like a vice; _this _was _not _my sister. I had never seen her look as fearful as she did in that moment, cowering at the end of the bed, chest heaving from her erratic breathing. Her reaction went far beyond what I could fathom; she'd never pulled away from me. Remorse ran through my body and I knew that whatever had happened to her had been bad enough to steal my little sister from me.

The tearless sobs and visible tremors racked her body as she retreated into herself, eyes darting all over the room painfully fast before finally resting on me. I could hear Rose murmuring softly, reassuring her – talking her down – but all of this was just background noise as I took in every little twitch, tremor and emotion flashing through her eyes. A pained look of recognition crossed her features as her body relaxed and the sobbing subsided. With slow, sure movements, I made my way towards her, gauging her reaction to my every move until I was close enough for her to make the next decision. She appeared to be facing a battle within herself as she attempted to move towards me, tensing and relaxing in a somewhat stilted cadence, before closing her eyes and retreating back to her corner. I watched her anxiously as she repeated these actions for a few minutes with her hands balled into fists at her side and her eyes sporadically flitting around the room as if searching for an escape.

Finally, she seemed to force herself to move forward, with her eyes clenched, and I cautiously pulled her into my lap. For a fraction of a second, I felt her tense up before finally relaxing into my arms. I felt the bed moving as Rose shifted to my other side, burying her tear streaked face in the crook of my neck and wrapping her arms around Bella. After a few moments, Rose let out a deep sigh and relaxed back onto the bed. She'd never been as easy to read as Bella, but with one quick glance I could see the relief on her face; relief at not having to figure this out and deal with it on her own. The confusion and guilt welled up inside me, but I didn't give myself time to dwell on it, and instead focused on how I was going to make things right. My grip on her tightens, almost instinctively, as I make vain attempts at taking her pain as my own. The tremors continued to assault her body as she buried her face deeper into my chest, shaking her head against me as strangled whispers escaped her mouth. Though hard to decipher, it is exceedingly apparent that she's refusing me answers before I've even had a chance to question her actions.

"I'm sorry." The words left my mouth unencumbered but wholeheartedly true. "I'm home now and I promise … I'll protect you from now on."

I had no clue as to what I was up against and that realization shook me to my very core. There was no plan of attack for this battle, no clear cut course of action to take. My years of Military training had absolutely no bearing on the situation I was up against. I was in completely unfamiliar territory and that had me petrified. Nothing in my world was simply black and white anymore, the shades of gray had begun their descent into our lives, encompassing us in its' seemingly impenetrable folds.

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**A/N: **So, what d'ya think? Love it? Hate it? Indifferent? As you can see Jasper is pretty fucking conflicted and, honestly, that breaks my heart. But, it's necessary at this point. In the next chapter, you'll hear from Rose and her thoughts on everything going on and a bit more about Bella's whole … situation. Anyway, review and let me know what you think and if you have the time do check out the rec's below:

**Venenum **by **Kyrene once Blood Roses  
Save You **by **socact****  
Letters to a Swan **by **kerrybell **


	4. Stand Here With Me

**Title: **Purest of Pain; Stand Here With Me  
**Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted story lines.

**A/N: **So, first things first – I'd like to apologize for the lateness (and semi-shortness) of this chapter. I won't get into details but let's just say that I've learned it's not a good idea to bottle feed a fussy two-month old and attempt to answer your cell phone with the same hand that the bottle is in while an unsaved document is pulled up. Nor is it a good idea to click incessantly on said file while the computer has frozen because you may unintentionally save something. Silver lining? I think the rewrite came out much better. My opinion, of course.

And now, on to the obligatory thank you's. My beta's **vi0lentserenity**and **magan bagan** for taking the time to proof read and correcting any mistakes made, friend and fellow author **RAEcouter** for taking the time to nudge me in the right direction when I was stumped and frustrated with the rewrite when she could've been working on her own story and my fiancé, Justin, for putting up with my mumbling incoherency and general foul mood after the epic fail/accidental chapter deletion.

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**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

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"_You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Unknown_

**[RPOV]**

"I'm sorry." His words were merely a whisper, backed by an undeniable air of regret. "I'm home now and I promise … I'll protect you from now on."

_More promises for him to break._

I choked back a growl at his ignorance to the situation and the way that he had so quickly asserted himself into my role as her protector. Don't get me wrong, I understood then – as I do now – that he had a job to do; a job that took him away from home for extended periods of time. It wasn't the lack of his presence that made me resentful; I may be a bitch at times, but I'm not completely unreasonable. _However, _it had been _me_ doing everything in my power to help her for the past year. I was the one that stayed up with her all night, rocking her in my arms as she fought her way through nightmare after nightmare. I witnessed her break firsthand - and it wasn't just once or twice. Every single time that she was somehow able to make even the slightest bit of progress, there was always something waiting to knock her ten steps back and I was the one there to pick up the pieces. Not him or anyone else for that matter, but me. I had to fight for that spot and earn her trust back for something that I wasn't even responsible for before she let me in far enough to even hold her. Yet, in a matter of minutes he had what had taken me weeks to attain. That he could just come back, riding in on his great white steed playing White Knight to Bella's Damsel in Distress as if he'd never left, grated on my nerves. I could see in his eyes - behind the obvious fear and confusion - that he was operating under the misguided belief that he could just magically fix her; make everything better with a hug or a few heartfelt, reassuring words. He just didn't understand the severity of her condition, and as bitter as I was over these circumstances, I abhorred the fact that I'd have to be the one to burst his bubble with the cold, hard truth. He was _my_ twin – bound to me by more than _just_ blood – yet he'd always been closer to her and I'd never faulted either of them for that. Theirs was a connection that went beyond familial bonds – and one that I had tried and failed to comprehend on numerous occasions. I was not disillusioned, though; I knew that I couldn't handle this – whatever _this_ was – on my own. Yet, from what I'd observed at the airport earlier today and again just minutes ago, he wasn't in any fit state to handle this – and all it entailed – either. His bloodshot eyes and the lingering scent of too much liquor that permeated his entire being was proof of that.

_The drinking_.

That was probably the most difficult thing of all about _this _Jasper for me to wrap my mind around. Drinking – be it socially or otherwise – had never been his thing. Even in high school, where his less than innocent ways granted him a new _conquest_ almost daily, drinking was never a part of his repertoire. I thought back to all the conversations we'd had in the past – playful bantering that usually started with him making fun of one friend or another over their asinine, drunken, escapades – and realized that he'd always been the designated drive, at least until now. I did not entertain any unrealistic ideas of grandeur, however; I knew that he'd drank a time or two in the past, but never to the point where it affected both his mental and physical faculties. And yet, he had been drunk at the airport when we'd picked him up. His eyes and the way that he'd stumbled when I jumped into his arms were a testament to that fact. My discontent isn't even over the fact that he _is_ drinking – that is purely his prerogative – it's a combination of the other, seemingly minor, details: how much and how often?

I was pulled from my internal musings by the sounds of _The Postal Services' "Brand New Colony" _punctuating the oppressive and tension filled room with its' love-filled lyrics. Sitting up, I quirked an eyebrow at my brother while sneering at the upbeat tone, as he reached into his pocket, a bashful smile on his slightly reddened face. Jasper blushing was an interesting occurrence; in our entire lives, I had never seen that happen, not even once. He just didn't get embarrassed all that easily. I was battling equal parts of intrigue and irritation, though. More secrets, apparently – and I'd thought we had gotten pass his evasiveness and proclivity to withhold life-altering information.

I watched him as he carefully lowered a now sleeping Bella back to a lying position while climbing off the bed and trudged off to the kitchen. Needless to say, I shamelessly eavesdropped in an attempt to discern exactly who he was speaking to, while making sure that Bella was comfortably resting, no hints of nightmares marring her serene, yet tear-streaked, face. Unfortunately, I was only able to catch short snippets of his phone conversation as I moved across the bed, closer to the wall separating the two rooms.

"I haven't talked to them yet … No, I'm sure that's fine … What time again? … Of course not, I _do_ have a car here … Alright, if you're sure, baby."

_Wait a minute, baby?_

Rising from the bed myself, I caught the end of Jasper's phone conversation – his tone a mix of desperation, love and contentment – and made my way into the kitchen. I had every intention of finding out what was going on, but when I rounded the corner – putting me directly across the breakfast bar where he sat, head cradled in his hands and gaze locked on the counter below him – my resolve faltered. Despite the fact that it had been over a year since I'd last seen him, I could still read him fairly well. The pain he felt – physically and mentally – was obvious, as was the exhaustion and slight inebriation. Those feelings I understood; they were justifiable considering the circumstances. But the guilt both shocked and confused me immensely. Not that there wasn't anything for him to feel guilty about, but I hadn't expected it to be so clearly manifested. It was present in his countenance and it exuded from his entire being, infusing the room. I'd recognized the same emotions in his earlier apologies and I was horrified with myself for so easily writing them off.

"Jazzy?" I murmured, slowly walking forward to sit beside him. "Is – are –" I stuttered as my brain tried frantically to piece together the right words. Asking him if he was okay or if something was wrong would just be ridiculously ludicrous because I _knew_ that he wasn't okay in the slightest. I also knew how I'd reacted to those questions – with an unbridled fury for the lack of class and prevalent ignorance that some people conveyed – and I would _not_ be the cause of the same reactions in him.

Sighing audibly, I reluctantly allowed my gaze to meet his; a vain attempt at finding the answers I sought without voicing the questions I had. His eyes, however, held nothing but questions as well; questions I wasn't sure that I was ready for just yet, but that needed answers nonetheless.

"The drinking, Jazzy, I –" I paused momentarily, gathering my thoughts yet again. "Is it … serious?"

"It's – I'm not sure what it is, Rose." His tone betrayed a panic that wasn't physically present; a struggle – painfully apparent – that he couldn't overcome. I was surprised at how hurt I was over the fact that he was _still_ trying to hide his feelings, regardless of how fruitless those attempts may have been.

"The first few drinks were a … coping mechanism, I guess. I _needed _it just to keep my own sanity intact – a dependency that I couldn't quite reconcile with the person that I know I am." I could still detect a hint of pleading behind his words – a thinly veiled cry for both help and understanding – but I could also see his decisiveness as if it were a physical presence. This was _not _him and he didn't want it to become him, either. I could understand using it as a coping mechanism; I'd be lying if I said I hadn't occasionally – in the past few days, especially – entertained the same ideas. I just wasn't sure if I could help him with this problem – I'd barely been able to resist myself – but I would give and try until I was physically, emotionally and mentally unable to continue doing so.

"But, I can't – I don't know how to control it right now. It's the easiest way to forget, to not continuously live in the memories, even if it's only temporary. It drowns the pain and the guilt. It makes me forget that I've been put in a situation where I have no control." The momentary pause allowed the inherent honesty of his words to linger in the air between us, palpable.

"And it helps with – I don't – the nightmares and … the memories. Irrefutable … fabricated … it doesn't matter, all of it haunts me – awake and asleep – drinking is the _only_ thing that blocks everything else out." His eyes – slightly wild – once again found my own, an entreaty for my complete understanding; a request I had no choice but to grant because, regardless of my aversion to this choice, I _did _understand it. It's what I'd hoped and prayed for myself; a reprieve, temporary or otherwise. My own memories assaulted me rapidly – triggered by his confessions – and images that I'd desperately tried to block out played behind my eyes.

_The doorbell rang, interrupting my concentration on the textbook I was reading. Disgruntled, I jumped out of bed and trudged down the stairs, catching up with Bella who was halfway to the door already. I knew that I wasn't expecting any visitors today and quickly stole a glance out the window to the side of the front door. A police officer stood on the front porch – solemn in his stance – patiently waiting for entrance. With a look that I'm certain displayed nothing but unhindered curiosity, I reattached the chain lock and unlocked the deadbolt – a habit instilled in me by having a Police Chief for a father – and pulled the door open far enough for me to be able to see through._

"_Can I see some identification, Officer?" I asked, instinctively. Nodding, the Officer swiftly produced his wallet, flipping it open so that I could see both his badge and ID card. Satisfied with his authenticity, I closed the door, unlatched the chain lock and pulled the door open again._

"_Miss Swan?" His gaze moved back and forth between Bella and I as we both gave him a perfunctory nod. I could feel my heart rate accelerating as the trepidation crept up, suffusing me in its stifling cloak._

"_I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your parents, Charles and Renee Swan were involved in a car accident at approximately 5:15 this evening. They were both pronounced dead at the scene and identified by the responding officers." His tone and face was nothing but apologetic as his eyes flitted between the two of us standing there, frozen in the doorway. _

"_The other driver has been taken into custody, but witness accounts and a blood test has confirmed that he was at fault."_

_"Who?" I asked my voice terse in its delivery._

"_A James Garnet. His blood alcohol level was well above the legal limit, at 0.130, for anyone, but especially a minor under the age of 21."_

_My nails painfully dug into the wooden framing of the door as my mind fought to process the words that he'd spoken. I could feel my lungs constricting painfully as I fought to keep my breaths steady, failing miserably. Bella's withered body crumpling to the floor with a loud thud drew me out of the frozen state that I'd been stuck in and I took a moment to reassess my surroundings. Realizing that there were tears cascading down my cheeks, I quickly turned away from the officer and blocked out anything else that he'd been saying. Bella was my first priority. I couldn't see anything beyond the tears that clouded my vision and I refused to feel anything beyond the immediate shock and grief as I dropped to the floor beside my sisters' trembling form and locked my arms around her body. I felt like screaming and pleading with the officer to stop talking and begging him to take back the words – delivered with such practiced ease – that had torn my entire world apart. We sat there for what could've been hours – time had ceased to have any meaning for us – rocking in each others' arms, sobbing uncontrollably. The Officer had long since departed once he'd realized that neither of us was paying any attention to the words that continued to spill forth. He'd left a business card of some sort on the stand inside the foyer but everything else – including the door that still stood wide open, exposing us in our rawest and most vulnerable states – ceased to exist. _

Jasper's voice broke through my ruminations as he struggled to regain my attention and I snapped my head towards his voice while furiously fighting to blink away my tears. The repeated murmurings of stilted, yet heartfelt and pain filled, apologies met my ears as he did his best to comfort me; bringing me back from those horrific memories.

I could do nothing but shake my head – an answer to his unasked question – as the tears I'd thought had been fully purged continued their trek down my face; the pain insurmountable. I didn't know where this strength I'd been displaying despite the agony that managed to consume me at times had come from but I chose not to question it. "Just … remembering," I finally managed to stutter out before the sobs could break free. The warmth that radiated from Jasper as he pulled my stool closer and wrapped me in a crushing yet comforting hug – reminding me of the soothing melodies that my mom used to sing to us when we were children – helped me stop the flow of persistent tears from falling.

"The day that – when the – when we found out about dad and mom," I explained, my face still buried in his well-worn shirt. I felt his breath hitch as the slight rocking motions that he'd been trying to comfort me with faltered temporarily while his grip on me tightened, a release and reprieve for the both of us.

"It was so hard for me to watch Bella break, again. I did everything I could to be strong for her but … it was hard. I was hurting too and she wasn't in any fit state to comfort me. I understood though, maybe not completely but I knew that she was having trouble processing what had happened. I did my best, but I don't think it was enough. I did _everything_ that I possibly could without question or pressuring her and she _still_ reverted back to the state she'd been in before, flinching away from me every time I tried to physically comfort her. I tried, Jazzy, I just – I don't –" I pulled my head back so that I could look at him – my brother and best friend. "I don't think it'll ever be enough. I just don't know what to do." More sobs broke free as I tried to remain in the present, pulling against the thoughts that were steadily gaining dominance over me.

_I could hear the broken sobs emanating from the room down the hall, only slightly muffled by the walls separating us as I tossed and turned in bed, searching fruitlessly for sleep. She was in control – for now at least, the lack of hoarse screams ringing through the house were indicative of that – and if I went to her now, she'd only refuse my help. She was bound and determined to prove that there was nothing wrong, undeterred by the fact that she couldn't hide behind her carefully constructed mask while she was asleep. It was the same thing night after night, and the physical effects it had on her were painfully obvious. Her rapid weight loss – evidenced by her sallow skin, protruding bones and the way everything she wore hung so loosely to her frame – was much too fast for my comfort. We'd reached the point where she had to be cajoled into eating even the tiniest of portions at every meal. It didn't matter how many times we questioned her, her response never changed; she was 'fine.' The lie was obvious, but we were at a loss on how to proceed without further angering her. Every time therapy was brought up, she fought it with unwavering determination – her stubbornness rearing its' ugly head. Her animation at those times far surpassed anything I'd ever seen from her, and I looked forward to it; to seeing just a tiny glimpse of who my sister had been before and solidifying my faith in the fact that my sister was still in there, somewhere, and that we would get her back._

Once again, Jasper's pleading whispers and strong, calloused hands resting on the sides of my face brought me back to the present, his eyes imploring me for answers. I feared his reactions to what I was about to tell him, but knew that it wasn't fair to keep this to myself. And, regardless of how I felt about his ability to get through to her in places that I'd previously failed, I _knew _that I wasn't strong enough to handle everything on my own. And if I were being completely honest with myself, I was still holding onto the tiny remnants of hope that he _would_ be able to help, despite his questionable – at best – mental state.

"She's different Jazz – cold and detached, emotionally. It's like there's an impenetrable wall up and she exerts so much energy keeping it in place." The tears were flowing freely now, my emotions shot to hell as I mentally and verbally relived the torment that had kept us bound for so long. This person – for I refused to believe that she was _my_ baby sister – mystified me.

"It was like watching a shadow at times. She was present, physically, but emotionally and mentally she was in her own little world; trapped in a darkness that she couldn't get out of. Even now, I catch glimpses of that same murkiness lurking just below the surface and it scares the hell out of me." I was choking on the mangled sobs that were rising from my chest, fighting to control my demeanor and determined to get through this.

"Why – what happened to her?" His words were barely above a whisper, but still clear as a bell. It was the same question that I'd asked myself a million times before but was nowhere nearer extracting an answer to. Anytime the reasons for her reclusiveness were broached, she'd lock up even further within herself.

"I don't know. I –"

_Could I tell him what I suspected? Should I tell him? He'd tell me if our roles were reversed and he deserved to know, but could he handle that right now with everything else that we have to deal with?_

"I've had my theories on what may have happened based on her reactions to … certain situations, but I think that – maybe you should draw your own conclusions." I knew my brother well enough to know that he'd eventually come to the same verdict as I had. He _did_ deserve to know this but I couldn't bring myself to say the words; to destroy him – or myself – by merely bringing these things to the light.

"What … reactions?" The words, though laced with intrigue, were hesitant; fear shining through despite his attempts at remaining calm.

"Is this – are you sure – do you really want to hear this right now?" I needed to know that he was sure before I went any further. This information would only serve to break him yet again and as much as he deserved to know – I'd already come to terms with that – I needed him to voice that this wasn't just some misguided attempt at righting his wrongs. He nodded in concession, inhaling deeply before locking his steely gaze on mine.

"She's reluctant to interact with anyone outside of the family; almost fearful. She flinches even when I touch her and constantly refuses to be in the same room – alone – with _any_ male. Sadly, that included Charlie at times. She doesn't do … anything and is refusing to even think about attending College, despite our adamant attempts at persuasion." Pausing to consider my next thoughts, I took a moment to take in Jasper's reaction to what I'd said. He couldn't rein his emotions in fast enough and everything from his tense jaw – teeth locked together with a vice-like grip – to his tightly clenched fists and rigid form told me that his thoughts aligned with my own.

"I don't thi – I can't hear anymore right now, Rosie." Pain – pure, palpable and unadulterated – suffused his tone.

I nodded in concession and lay my head on the counter top as the emotions that had been warring within me all day took over. The mantra I'd been internally chanting – _stay strong, Rose_ – quieted as the pain dug its' talons in, wreaking havoc on both my heart and mind. The grief could – _and would_ – bury me alive if I allowed it to do so, but for the moment, I needed this release. My body shook with the tears that tore through me – unrelenting and vengeful – and I could vaguely make out the strangled sobs coming from my right. Sitting up straight, I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting them on the edge of the stool, and wrapped my arms around them. We both sat there – lost in our own thoughts as we let the emotions that were coursing through our bodies run its' course.

All the feelings of inadequacy that I'd felt over my inability to help Bella came flooding back. Watching someone that you love more than your own life break over and over again and knowing that there's nothing you can do to help them beat back those demons causes an unbearable pain. It doesn't matter how many times you've seen it, every time cuts just as deep as the last. It tests your strength in ways that you never could've imagined being possible. It makes you re-evaluate everything about your life; everything that you thought you knew suddenly becomes a foreign concept. The sleepless night that I spent listening to the muffled screams and whimpers filtering through pillows as she curled in on herself, shutting the world out and effectively shutting me out – her sister and one of her two best friends – tore me apart. Physically, I still exuded the strength and confidence that I'd been known for – I was good at putting up my own façade as well – but mentally and emotionally, I was exhausted.

I ruminated on that thought for a moment longer before mentally shaking my head and turning to face Jasper again. The sight before me – Jasper's crumpled form hunched over the breakfast bar, face streaked with tears, hands balled up into fists at his sides, eyes clamped shut as if he were willing whatever images were floating through his mind away – caused my heart to clench painfully. Of its own accord, my hand reached over and slid into his, squeezing it tightly, a reminder that we _would_ get through this – _somehow _– we just needed to stick it out together.

"It'll be okay," I murmured soothingly as I waited for a reaction from him. "I don't know how but we _will_ get through this, together." He squeezed my hand quickly in acknowledgement before releasing it and wiping his face roughly, trying to remove any trace of the tears that he'd cried; always the quintessential male, even if it's just in his head. A few more minutes passed in silence before I felt like we could continue with our conversation.

"The funeral?" The words themselves were simple, the sentence short, but the meaning behind them stifling. My voice had been no more than a whisper, as if uttering those two words would make the situation even more real than it already was.

"I've already made some calls and they have – they made _plans_ in case something like this happened. The technical stuff is pretty straight forward, I guess. Did you know they'd purchased burial plots for all of us?" I should have been relieved that they'd thought far enough ahead to prepare for instances such as this but I wasn't. It was so morbid to plan something like this before there was a real need for it, but I couldn't deny that their meticulous planning made this situation easier on us, even if just minutely.

"I – uh – a friend – _my_ … girlfriend," I felt my eyes widen at his admission – reluctant as it was – while he fidgeted with the shot glass he'd used earlier. "She's – I asked her if she'd come here … to help. I wasn't sure if I could – if I'd be able to deal with all … _this_ and I still don't think that I'll be much help." He paused for a short moment, as if considering his next words, "her brothers are coming as well. If you'd – if I'd known beforehand about Bella, I would've asked her to come alone, but … I didn't. I just – I understand why they won't let her come alone and what their fears are, so I don't blame them. I'd react the same way if you met someone online and just decided, on a whim, to go and see him." He continued mumbling incoherently, mostly to himself, as I digested what he'd just told me.

"Is that who called earlier; who you called baby?" I was genuinely curious, but the trepidation I felt couldn't be denied. Was this really the right time to be building upon romantic relationships when we had so much to work through as a family? I was happy for my brother, though; he deserved to have someone to love and who loved him just as much in return. The timing wasn't the greatest – there was absolutely no denying that – but we'd figure this out if this is what would bring him some sort of relief from the ever-present pain.

"Yea, that's who I was – her name is Alice – she was just calling to confirm her plans with me and they'll be here tomorrow afternoon. I have to email her the address again because they're renting a car, but what about Bella? Will she be okay with – I don't want her to be uncomfortable if they're – should I call and see if they'd be okay with getting a hotel room. I –" He exhaled gruffly, running his hands over his face in frustration.

"I just – I really don't know what to do, Rosie." In that moment he reminded me so much of the child he used to be that any ill feelings that still lingered towards him evaporated instantly. Over the years, I'd forgiven him for a variety of infractions and I could do it again now. He hadn't been aware of the circumstances, and for that, there was no one to blame but myself. I could've – and one could argue that I _should've_ – told him sooner, even if it were over the phone, but I'd chosen not to. His ignorance to the situation was on me and I couldn't fault him for trying to find some way to make everything easier on him. I drew in a deep, shuddering breath and exhaled slowly before sliding off the stool and wrapping my arms around him tightly.

"I told you that we'd get through this as long as we stuck together, and we will. We'll worry about that when the time comes and make sure that Bella is never left alone with either of her brothers until then. If it gets to be too much for her, then we'll re-evaluate everything and possibly look into the hotel option. But this is _not _your fault, Jasper, so don't you dare blame yourself. How were you supposed to know any of this?" I could feel the tears building up and struggled to keep them from falling again.

"Besides, I can't pass up the chance to meet the girl who finally got my brother to commit, and from halfway around the world, no less." He turned to look at me then, a slight smile gracing his face as he recognized my attempt at lightening the mood for what it was.

"And she is bringing both of her brothers with her, Rose, so who knows what could happen there." I laughed lightly at his insinuation but shrugged it off mentally. I wasn't ready to go there again; friendship was all that I could offer anyone for now and it wouldn't be fair of me to pretend otherwise. After Royce had so thoroughly shattered my trust in the opposite sex, I needed the time to allow myself to heal from – and get past – that.

Realizing that hours had passed in the time that we'd spent talking, we both looked to the clock mounted on the wall; almost midnight. Feeling the exhaustion settling over me from the emotional torment I'd been put through today, I stretched my arms above my head, suppressing a yawn and gave Jasper one last hug.

"I'm going to sleep down here with Bella tonight. I can usually handle her outbursts as long as there isn't anyone else unexpected in the room, so try not to worry about it." I paused for a moment, thinking if there was anything else that I needed to tell him. "We can talk about all the arrangements that I've already made tomorrow and if you can't sleep, there's a bit of cleaning that needs to be done in the guest rooms. But, if you don't get to that tonight, I'll take care of it in the morning."

He nodded in acquiescence and headed for the stairs while I made my way back to the den – and by proxy – Bella. I didn't know what tomorrow would bring or what would happen when Alice and her brothers arrived, but I was determined to keep everything together for both my brother and my sister. For most of my life, I'd had the predilection to put myself and my needs above those of everyone else. I was – even though I'd refused to admit it at the time – incredibly self-centered now, however, I was fully aware of those tendencies and I refused to allow myself to make those same mistakes. We _were_ in this together, but they needed me – and whatever strength that I could offer them – more now than they ever had before and I would give them what I could as often as they needed it.

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**A/N: **Another chapter over and done with. Rose has always been a complicated character for me to write, but all things considered, I'm fairly happy with how this turned out. I'm sure that there will be questions about her reactions to Jasper in the beginning, so please feel free to ask away. I don't mind at all and I'll answer anything as long as it doesn't give too much away. Also, don't forget to check out the song for this chapter posted on my profile.

The next chapter, which will be from BPOV, may be a little later than expected. My holster, **Erica**/**vi0lentserenity** has finals next week and finals/studying definitely trumps chapter beta'ing, unfortunately. The weeks following her finals, I _may not_ have constant internet access like I do now due to renovations that I'm having done on my house, so that'll also delay chapter posting. And, on top of all that, I've only got a few more weeks left to finish up my fic for **The Twilight Gift Exchange**. However, once these things are done, I'll be back to a regular posting schedule of weekly updates.

**Commission **by **SpikeIsHotter  
The Tortoise and The Hare **by **Helliex88  
Surrogate Love **by **shwriteme**


	5. Field of Innocence

**Title: **Purest of Pain; Field of Innocence  
**Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted story lines.

**A/N: **RL sucks right now, but the need for distractions from the stress, drama and angst played a big part in this chapter being finished. It's ironic that this chapter is pretty darn close to one of the heaviest and most intense chapters that will be in this story, all things considered. That all being said please read this chapter with caution; **the warning definitely applies here**.

Of course, I have to thank my betas: **vi0lentserenity** and **magan bagan** for their assistance in getting this chapter into top form. I wouldn't be able to do it without the two of you, seriously. Also, **RAEcouter** for her help when Bella had me stumped. The nudge in the right direction worked like a charm, bb. And **0ri **for allowing me to dredge up memories that we'd have both rather left buried. I don't know where I'd be without a BFF like you, Gi and I love you for just … everything.

Lastly, I think the chapters read better – or at least they do for me – if the page formatting is set to ½ screen instead of full screen. You can adjust those settings over near the top right corner.

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**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

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"_The darkness is death – we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream, but they turn their backs. We can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won't work the way they should and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves." ~ Dana-Christene Urmanetz_

**[BPOV]**

Time, unfortunately, waits for no man. Things change, people evolve and everything you once thought you knew manages to slip through your fingers as if it were no more substantial than the wind. The rose-tinted shades that you wore are removed from your eyes, revealing the universe to you in all its sick, twisted and depraved glory. It's at that point that you realize ignorance really is bliss. I'd have been perfectly content living out this endless cycle of days trapped inside my own little bubble of innocence and naïveté; it was familiar, comfortable and safe. I'd grown up sheltered. The cruel realities of the world were completely hidden to me; an entity that existed somewhere, but remained elusive so long as they were neglected. It was the only thing I'd ever known though and I flourished in it. Unfortunately, change is inevitable and it happens to everyone whether they're ready for it or not. It's just one of those things that are guaranteed, like death and taxes. But change this drastic – that left me bordering on the brink of insanity daily – was really un-fucking-necessary.

I could hear Rose scurrying around the house, busying herself with the normal day-to-day routines that she refused, adamantly, to give up in light of recent events. It was _her_ defense mechanism; the way that she dealt with the grief that had encapsulated us. The clanging of pots and pans along with the persistent hum of the dryer seeped through my sleep-filled mind, luring me from the persistent plague of nightmares and into the land of the living. A realm that I'd intuitively distanced myself from in a pathetic attempt at keeping my sanity intact. The detachment, though exhausting, was necessary if I wanted to keep up the illusion of normality and block out the reminders of everything that had happened. All my energy was spent on existing in this sordid half-life, staving off the tormenting memories that threatened to overtake me at every turn. Pretending – be it for me or them, I wasn't so certain which anymore – had become instinctual. It was a practiced art that I hadn't yet mastered, but the numb was my solace, my reprieve and the only constant I had in this new season that was wrought with inconsistencies.

Slowly, and without any deliberate decisions on my part, I stretched my legs out as I reached blindly for the side of the bed and the nightstand that I knew would be just beyond that; I needed the respite that my lockbox held after the emotional train wreck that was the previous day. Coming up empty, my heart stilled for a moment before my eyes popped open, panic seizing my body instantaneously. My breathing sped up as my mind struggled to process the sight of the room around me.

_Pale yellow walls. Oak wood mantle piece. White washed, wrought iron bed frame covered in floral printed chocolate and cream bedding. An array of family photos dating back nearly 20 years._

_The den, I'm in the den._

A relieved cry emerged from my lips as my eyes wandered back to the photos that lined the room. _Family_. I couldn't help the internal scoff that resonated in my head at that word as my gaze remained locked on _la piece de resistance_ of the room, a fifteen-by-nineteen family portrait centered above the fireplace. Looking at it reminded me of everything that I used to be and everything that had ceased to exist over the past year. The girl in that picture was a sham of the worst kind; her bright smile taunted me endlessly with things that _I_ could never have again. It was everything that I wanted and had tried so frantically to cling to, and yet, everything that had been stolen from me on that fateful night. The righteousness of that girl in the picture – her chocolate colored eyes so full of vivacity and determination, propelled by dreams that had yet to come to fruition – were beyond me now. Closing my eyes for a moment, I shook my head slightly and propped myself up on my elbows. I needed to retreat to my room before Rose or Jasper noticed that I'd woken up and to do so, I needed to move slowly or risk maiming myself and alerting them to my present state.

My bare feet met cold hardwood as I lifted myself from the bed, steadying myself on its' frame as a wave of dizziness from having stood too quickly passed. I cringed as I looked down at myself - yesterday's clothes adorned my body, matted with sweat and wrinkled beyond recognition - and decided that a shower was in order. I reveled in the thoughts of being caressed by the hot water cascading down my deteriorating frame, the steam wrapping me in its' comforting cloak, hiding me from the inherent validities of being. A light smile played on my lips as these thoughts assaulted my mind; it was the things that most people took for granted that I observed with an air of reverence for the contentment – regardless of how temporary – it granted me. The sounds emanating from the kitchen reverberated throughout the house as I made my way to the stairs, idly wondering where Jasper was if Rose had already sequestered herself away in the kitchen. Disoriented by my fleeting thoughts and completely oblivious to my surroundings, I failed to notice the pile of seemingly random beddings and boxes resting at the bottom of the stair case until my feet were impossibly tangled around them and I had landed, palms flat, on the bottom step. _Shit, shit, shit._ My arm throbbed from the impact and I bit my lip against the frustrated scream that threatened to break loose. The tears gathered in my eyes as I lay there, completely disarmed and irritated with the wrench that had been thrown into my plans. Avoidance was completely out of the question now as I was certain that either one, or both, of my siblings had heard my first less than graceful attempt at absconding to my room. If I were any less the mature adult that my parents had raised, I would've ranted and railed at the situation like a petulant child, griping about my unpredictable predilection for disaster. As it were, the sting in my palms and the throbbing in my arms and knees provided comfort. It proved to me that I could feel _something_, even if it were mildly inconsequential in the scheme of things. I rose to my feet slowly, grimacing at the way my legs cried out against the movement and braced myself against the wall. I granted myself a cursory inspection, checking for any visible signs of yet another altercation with inanimate objects, before acknowledging Rose as she stood a few feet away, uncertainty in her gaze as she observed my stilted movements.

"Rose," I nodded shortly in her direction, irritation undoubtedly clouding my normally impassive features. I watched her flinch at my well-controlled – and monotonous – tone, resigned to the fact that she wouldn't get anything more from me.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her intonation one of nothing but concern as she moved in my direction. Her steps were unsure and carefully measured, her eyes never leaving my own in an attempt at gauging my reaction to her approach.

Exhaling loudly, I felt my head inclining in a gesture of affirmation before realizing that I'd made a decision to respond. "Yes, I'm fine."

"I – uh – are you hungry? I made breakfast for us and Jasper should be down shortly. We –" she trailed off while exhaling deeply. "We need to talk to you before you head upstairs, okay?"

Conceding to her request reluctantly, I pushed away from the wall and followed her to the dining room, hastily taking a seat at the table and concentrating on the feast that she'd laid out for us. Every conceivable breakfast food was spread out before me and I felt my stomach muscles contracting violently as the waves of predictable nausea rolled through me at the smell. Chairs scraped against the tiled floor, penetrating my thoughts, and drew my attention to the two individuals now seated on either side of me, crowding me uncomfortably with their lingering stares. Glancing back down at the table, I fingered the edge of the plate in front of me, tracing the delicate floral patterns that decorated its' border as excuse after excuse readied itself for the questions regarding my nightmares and the state that they left me in were impossible to avoid. Rose was anything but subtle at times, and the way her hands twitched in her lap as she and Jasper stared across the table at each other unnerved me immensely.

Biting my lower lip anxiously – my nerves getting the best of me – I reached for the nearest platter and began piling hash browns onto my plate; an act of instinct as opposed to need, want or hunger. As if they had been awaiting my cue, Jasper and Rose swiftly joined the foray, heaping their own plates with food quickly and quietly. The tension in the room was thick with anticipation as I found myself once again silently cursing my clumsiness and wishing I had made it up the stairs undetected, as had been my plan. Of course, fate is a fickle friend and rarely ever on my side, having trapped me unceremoniously in an increasingly uncomfortable situation. Clearing my throat silently, my eyes shifted to Rose before drifting over to Jasper, taking in their rigid and distressed postures.

"Well isn't this lovely," I quipped, leaning forward with shoulders hunched and hiding behind a curtain of hair as the clatter stilled around me. My face flamed red as I felt their eyes boring holes into the top of my head at my outburst.

"Bella –" my name came out in an exasperated lament as Rose raked her perfectly manicured nails through her hair, eyes narrowed at my brother. "Jasper –" she paused briefly, considering her words carefully as they continued to stare at each other. "Jasper and I have something to tell you," she finally muttered sounding thoroughly defeated as her gaze met mine, eyes filled with affliction and indecision.

My attention shifted back to Jasper as he cleared his throat, letting his fork fall to the plate before him. "Are we really going to do this right now, Rosie?" he asked, his tone and expression disgruntled as he stared Rose down.

"When else do you propose we do this, _Jazzy_," she seethed, teeth grinding together in indignation, her expression challenging. "Perhaps when it's too late to warn her?"

Having no desire to be caught in the center of their battle of wills and morals, my hand fell to the table, smacking its' top loudly. "_I _am sitting right fucking here," I spat out, breathing heavily as my fingers curled and uncurled at my side. "_Perhaps_ you should stop talking about me as if I'm not."

The need for relief from the emotional onslaught was beginning to manifest itself substantially, my leg bouncing beneath the table uncontrollably. The anger and frustration that I felt was boiling just beneath the thin surface of my self control, begging to be unleashed as the calm haze that I tried to cling to began to dissipate.

"I am _not_ a child and will not allow you to treat me like one." The force at which I expelled these words stung as my patience waned exponentially. True to form, they continued with their verbal sparring as if I hadn't spoken a word. I was furious at the way they both sat here, talking to each other with whispered words of reproach and disapproval. Their voices floating over and around me, ignoring and baiting. They fell into their old roles with such ease, both thinking that they knew what was best for me, neither of them bothering to ask my opinion. Annoyance seeped through my entire being at their proclivity to treat me like the child they _still_ believed me to be and my ever disintegrating fuse continued to shorten.

"God, enough already!" My words resounded in the spacious dining room as angry tears filled my eyes. Wiping the back of my hand across my cheek, an attempt at clearing away the signs of my reaction – _my weakness_ – I unsteadily rose to my feet. "When you figure out whether or not you'd like to make me apart of this conversation, you know where to find me."

Jasper swore as Rose released a breathy exhalation, eyes closed in resignation. I straightened my back and turned on my heel, ready to slip from the room as my sanity drained rapidly from my body.

"Bella, wait!"

I paused in the doorway, waiting for Rose to continue, tense with the influx of emotions I hadn't allowed to overwhelm me in days.

"There really is something we need to talk to you about." Her words were an appeal for my understanding. Sadness and doubt lingered, suffusing the room around us. I remained where I was, back to the dining room table, eyes focused on the arched door way that led to my refuge, body rigid with anticipation and fear. Logic evaded me as apprehension set in, as the seriousness of the conversation to be had made itself known.

"What?" Venom, pure and primal, saturated my exclamation. My muscles were coiled in preparation for flight and I was heady with an excitement that I could taste on the tip of my tongue. My hands fluttered beside me, grasping and clutching at the tattered sleeves of my beat up hoodie in silent reminder of what was to come.

"Jasper is – he has – we'll –" Rose huffed in annoyance at, what I assumed to be, Jasper's apparent inability at filling in the blanks. "We'll be having visitors today."

"What does that have to do with Jasper?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me before I managed to put my mask of indifference back in place.

"He has – it's his girlfriend." I turned my head slightly to look over my shoulder at my siblings. As expected, Rose's expression was one of clear annoyance while her eyes remained locked on my brother and once best friend.

"Girlfriend?" I murmured to myself, the singular word coming out like a question. "Jasper has a girlfriend?" My eyebrows were pulled together as my glare narrowed in confusion and distrust, my eyes seeking his and searching for either confirmation or rejection of Rose's statement. My brain spun as it rapidly attempted to dissect past conversations, trying to remember if I should already have this information, or what I'd last spoken to him for that matter. Coming up short, I snapped my head towards Jasper, fury rolling off of me in waves.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" My words were accusatory, angry; a visceral reaction to being purposely kept out of the loop. It was like his senior year all over again. He was supposed to be my constant; I trusted him to be consistent, to be honest with me at all times, even over the trivial matters.

"I didn't know how to tell either of you before; I wasn't sure how you'd take it, to be honest."

"Oh, so now you want to be honest? You promised, Jazzy; swore that you'd _never_ lie like this again. Tell me, did you even mean it or were you just spouting words off to placate us?" My voice had once again taken on a tone of monotony, completely devoid of feeling; _dead fucking calm_.

"I kept my promise –"

"No," I spat out, my hands curling up into tight fists at my side as I cut him off. "You kept this from us for whatever convoluted reason so don't you dare try and justify it." My outrage – enhanced by the desperation I felt to both run and purge – birthed question after question, filling my mind with multiple scenarios, each one outdoing its predecessor. I was completely and utterly frenetic with the need to get away consuming me from the inside out. "Tell me, if you were still in Iraq - if _this_ -" I gestured wildly with one hand, indicating his reason for returning before the end of his tour. "Hadn't happened, would you even have bothered saying anything?"

And there it was, the real issue laid out bare in front of us. Rose's eyes flared briefly as the severity of the situation settled before relaxing into an expression of practiced nonchalance, her fingernails beating out a staccato rhythm on the table top. "Answer the question, Jasper. Would you have told us at any point between now and the end of your tour? Would you have granted us the courtesy of notice before just showing up on the front steps with this girl in tow?"

"What? Of course I would've told you," he sputtered out, face flushed with distress and ire. "Do you really think so little of me?"

I snorted silently, repressing a humorless chuckle, as my eyes blazed with the barely discernible rage being suppressed. "I never used to, but now I'm not so sure."

"Well isn't that just fucking wonderful," he spat out, chair scraping across the tile as he slid back roughly. "Her brothers will be coming with her," he continued, rising from his seat and tossing the cloth napkin back to the table. "I'll be setting up the guest rooms if you need me."

I nodded shortly – completely fucking frightened about having any other man in the house – and turned again, making a break for the staircase as Jasper exited the dining room by way of the kitchen. The emotions swirling around within me – _resentment, confusion, despair_ – were barely contained, begging for a quick release. A war raged internally as I ascended the staircase, making my way to my sanctuary. The hypocrisy of my reaction didn't go unnoticed but I felt no remorse for my unsavory insinuations. I was not the one that had made those promises after all, but I'd agreed to hold him to them. Maybe, for that reason, it was my failure as well. Maybe I should cut him a little slack; I could only imagine what he went through daily _over there_.

No.

_NO. _

All it would've have taken was a simple little email from him or even a fleeting mention of it. It wasn't as if he didn't write at least every other day to keep us updated and let us know that, despite the casualties the U.S. Military had suffered, he was still alive. Once again, he had purposely kept this information from us – from me – knowing that it was important; life-altering, even considering that Jasper didn't have _girlfriends_; he had _friends_ who happened to be _girls_ that he slept with. The slamming of cabinetry, silverware and bedroom doors drew my attention back to my own entryway as I briefly wondered when exactly I'd made it to my bed, back against the headboard and knees drawn to my chest. My regularly straying thoughts were such a frequent occurrence that losing gaps of time like this – minutes, hours, even days – wasn't anything new, yet it still managed to unhinge me. Losing myself to my thoughts like this – allowing the misery and wrath to completely consume me – was my reprieve, illogical as it may sound. I found control where there should have been none and held onto it with an unrelenting grip.

My hands worked mechanically as I leaned over to my nightstand and dug the lockbox out of its' hiding spot in the top drawer. The key rested lightly against my chest, hanging on the silver chain that I'd gotten as a gift from Rose on my sixteenth birthday, and seemed to pulse with the elation that coursed through me. Yanking my hoodie over my head, I scrunched my nose up at the stench of sweat and grime that permeated my senses – one of the pitfalls of always wearing something so heavy in the Arizona heat and humidity – and promised myself a shower, soon. It'd be a pointless act to indulge in now, but I'd need it shortly to wash away the evidence of my distasteful indulgences.

A little over a year ago, this entire concept was completely foreign to me. Of course I knew about it – knew what it was – but actually doing it was an entirely different matter. Never, not even in my wildest dreams, did I ever think I would become _that_ girl. I had become someone that needed the comfort of visible – and palpable – affliction just to make it through a single day; to keep the overwhelming sorrow and heartache at bay long enough to feign anything even remotely resembling normalcy or happiness. There was a part of me that knew I wasn't fooling anyone but myself with the fake grins and blatant half truths, but for these few minutes a day, I could almost believe that I wasn't moments away from falling to pieces; that the dawn of a new day wouldn't bring with it such insurmountable torment.

With eyes closed, I allowed myself to submit to the agony that gripped my mind, causing my stomach to convulse erratically. I fought back the disgust and guilt that accosted me as the memories took over; taunting me in its perversion. Pangs of nausea gripped my still empty stomach as the acidic bile rose in my throat while I fought to hold it back. Guilt and bitterness wracked my body as every shameful memory accosted my mind, dominating me in my now tainted innocence.

_Clutching, clawing, and gripping; every inch of my body that his filthy hands grazed set every fight or flight instinct I possessed off in my head. His palm covered my mouth, drunken whispers slurred into my ear making clear his intent. I was braced against a wall – brick, I presumed from the way it dug into my back at odd angles – and being pushed into it, repeatedly. He shoved his knee in between my thighs, forcing my legs apart. Fingers dug into the flesh of my hips; shoving and wrenching, wanting and taking. It was obvious that there would be no asking tonight, just possessing; feral and animalistic in nature. The fire in his ice blue eyes spoke volumes as they met my own, his putrid breath ghosting over my face. Demanding and insulting, stealing more than just my chastity. _

The thin edges of the xacto knife cut into the flesh of both my thumb and pointer as I held it tightly, the biting sting grounding me to the present while my memories struggled to retain control.

_His nose nudged the juncture of my neck, forcing me to roll my head to the side as he inhaled deeply. A dark chuckle left his lips at my incessantly weak struggles, my fingernails scraping and scratching at any part of him I could grasp. Though my field of vision was severely limited, I could tell that we were in the middle of dark, dank alley. A chain link fence stood at one end, its top reaching halfway up the apartment building. The opposite end – the entrance that I'd previously been dragged through – opened up to the main road, but any hopes I'd had of escaping disappeared when I felt myself being slammed into the wall, leaving me completely disoriented. Broken whispers spilled forth from my covered mouth as I violently attempted to inhale through my nose without being affected by the pungent scents that surrounded me._

The blade cut with ease, smooth and without an ounce of hesitancy. The warm rush met the cool metal as polar opposites converged, melding together.

One line. Crimson liquid. Fists balled tight, veins straining and visible through the chalky pallor of my skin.

It was delectation and torture rolled into one; a dichotomy of the highest order. The logical part of my brain understood the repercussions of these actions and realized that in the long run, no good could come of it. It reminded me how squeamish and queasy the sight and smell of blood made me, even in miniscule amounts. The other side of my brain – the side that had difficulty differentiating wrong from right – craved it like a drug, needed it to survive much the same way I needed air and water.

Two lines.

The relief was welcome at the initial laceration, the all-encompassing mental alleviation spreading throughout my body. I inhaled deeply as I continued to cut, my movements only slightly hindered. _Slow and steady_, I reminded myself. I wanted to savor the feeling of calm that had settled over me the moment I pierced my forearm. The back of my hand was pressed flat into my bedspread, digging in, forearms taut from the exertion of keeping the skin tight and my body's natural reaction to the invasion.

"_I like it when they fight back," he whispered into my ear softly, voice husky and filled with lust. "It makes the reward that much sweeter."_

_I tossed my head from side to side, my body wriggling against the vice-like grip he held me in. Clothes tore, cool wind whipped at my half-naked body, my body convulsed with tremors out of the drop in temperature and the dread that pervaded me. Pain – sharp and stinging – stole my breath as I choked out a mangled scream. His grip over my mouth and on my thigh tightened minutely with each thrust of his hips. _

"_That's right, peach," he grunted out, the exertion he was putting forth making itself known. "We both know you wanted this with the way you were dressed. The flimsy excuse for a skirt practically sang to me upstairs as you swayed these delectable hips of yours."_

_I was horrified at this revelation and continued fighting against his grip as his warm tongue reached out, licking the side of my neck before biting down. Another scream erupted from my chest only to be smothered, once again, by his grimy hands. Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I silently cursed Jessica to the depths of hell for forcing me into this atrocious outfit in the first place. _

"_Oh, you'll thank me for this later," he panted into my ear as the salty tears rolled over his hand. "Trust me; I haven't had any complaints yet." The hand that had been secure over my mouth finally moved, wrapping around my neck instead, crushing my windpipe slowly. His thrusting became erratic as his climax neared, the harsh expels of his rancid exhalations covering my face. _

_His head raised as his eyes met mine yet again, ice cold and completely devoid of any emotion beyond lust and the pleasure he was stealing from my body. All thoughts of the act he was committing fled my mind as my thoughts hurtled through future events. What would he do when he finished with me? I was good for his gratification now, but in the back of my mind, I realized that he had no use for me beyond that. The dread that had already settled in my chest grew exponentially with each forward movement of his pelvis. At some point during his search for release, I'd broken out into a cold sweat as I continued to fight him, despair seizing both my heart and stomach until I was gasping for breath. Scenario after scenario played out mentally, each one ending even more unfavorably than the last, the tears coming harder and faster. _

Three lines, perfectly parallel to each other, spanned the area between the inside of my wrist and elbow. The hand towel that I hadn't remembered placing between my arm and the bed was soaked in the dark red blood that had run down either side of my arm, catching the liquid before it could stain my beddings. I exhaled a quick breath and dropped the blade atop my previously discarded hoodie before wrapping the hand towel around my arm and wiping it roughly, indulging in the act of succumbing to my shortcomings.

This is what I sought; this was my reprieve from the nonstop barrage of emotional suffering that continuously tortured me. Of all the options I had for self-destruction – illegal narcotics, over-indulging in prescription medications, even promiscuity and gratuitous sex – _this_ was my poison of choice. It gave me the control that I sought like a junkie needing his next fix – _relentlessly_ – and the release that I sought frantically. My routine rarely faltered, and it had been this way for the past year. The memories were my own personal purgatory, immobilizing me in its deadly clutches and burning me from the inside out; devouring me in the most primal of ways. In stealing my virtue he had taken everything inherently good about me. Now I was nothing more than a shell; a ghost of the person that I once was. I was trapped; caged in a darkness that existed solely to destroy me even further, and as days turned to months, it gained more leverage.

Confusion. Frustration. Hate. Distrust.

This was all I felt; it clouded my thoughts with its unrelenting fog. Every cut and every scar was the corporeal manifestation of these emotions; a visible reminder of who I am and what had been taken from me. I subjected it upon myself because it paled in comparison to the mental and emotional suffering that I was forced to endure. It was the unambiguous evidence of the guilt that tortured and teased me, always on the peripheries of my mind. My actions were unforgivable, but nothing less than I deserved.

The nightmares that haunted me – flashbacks to the night that changed me irrevocably – tore me apart swiftly night after endless night; so much worse than the memories that came back during the day. Every cut was made with such meticulous precision, granting me the one thing that I needed.

Control.

With the evidence cleaned up as much as possible – staunching the flow of blood had taken longer than I'd expected and the drenched hand towel had eventually been buried in the middle of my trash can – I returned the tool of my unavoidable demise to the lockbox and stored it back in my drawer for safe keeping. I could feel the dried and salty tracks left behind from the tears that I'd cried unknowingly – an unfortunate result of the barrage of memories – as I rose from the bed and made my way to the en suite bathroom. Studiously avoiding the mirror, I undressed quickly and stepped into the shower, turning the water on until the scalding temperature burned me. I stood there rigidly, allowing the heat to cleanse the remnants of my previous actions before turning the cold water knob and washing off. The minutes dragged on, seeming like hours, as the water cascaded down my body, splashing at my feet and being sucked away before it had a chance to pool. The fresh scents of Lavender and Vanilla suffused the room as the steam lingered in the air around me. I let the water flow down my body for a few minutes longer – the streaming rivulets trailing over me – inhaling deeply to calm myself further before turning the water off and stepping out of the shower to dry off.

Drained, both physically and emotionally, I collapsed onto my bed again after wrapping my forearm in layers of gauze and getting dressed in my signature pants, grungy t-shirt and a fresh hoodie. Sighing with contentment, I nuzzled my face into my pillow as I searched blindly for my stereo remote; turning it on until the soothing sounds of _Toccata and Fugue_ permeated my room. My breathing slowed and evened out steadily as I curled up on my side, knees pulled to my chest in a fetal position as I relished in the feeling of safety and power that I felt, having already purged the emotional build up. I could feel my eyes fluttering close of their own volition as unrecognizable voices filtered through the floor below me. Furrowing my eyebrows in thought as I battled the wave of unconsciousness and descending darkness, I found myself wondering how much time had passed since I had first come up to my room and who could be downstairs. We'd had a multitude of visitors over the past few days – from the moment the news of Charlie and Renee's death had been announced – so this was nothing new. Rose had tried – and failed – to convince me that I needed to greet these people as well, thank them for the words and thoughts that they offered. Unfortunately – and more than likely, in bad form – I found it unnecessary to subject myself to their pity and sympathy, refusing to even remain in their presence for anything more than a curt nod and stilted _hello_. Everyone was _'sorry for our loss_' but not one of them could even truly begin to comprehend what this loss felt like and how much it fucking hurt.

Straining my ears as the voices grew louder, I vaguely remembered Jasper's words from our earlier argument as I lay in bed contemplating these things – _her brothers will be coming with her_ – and the realization that the voices downstairs could be our _guests_ managed to impress itself on my brain. A tremor of pure and unbridled fear coursed through my body as I stifled an audible gasp, hands clenching minutely at the thoughts of what this could mean for me and my already dwindling mental state. _I wasn't so far gone that I didn't recognize my misguided attempts at pain management for what it was. _I struggled to remain coherent as the low murmur from below lulled me into another bout of restless sleep – my body tense and uncomfortable in preparation for the nightmares that were sure to come – and I clung to my pillows as if they were my only life line; the one thing anchoring me to this life, regardless of how precarious the balance between living and surviving had become.

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**A/N: **This chapter was_ difficult_ for me to write. Thankfully, the actual writing of it was finished before the family issues arose and I've just had to spend the past week or two editing and revising. Bella is in a difficult place and guilt is a huge issue. The control thing will be explained, but I'm fairly certain that the reasons can be surmised from the information in this chapter … I hope? The next chapter will be a bit lighter though, with an intro of Alice – finally – and a little more back story on her relationship with Jasper and how that all came about. I've already started working on it, so as long as my life doesn't take any drastic turns, it should be done soon. *crosses fingers*

**A Hither Affaire **by **RAEcouter  
Lipstick, Lies and Loyalties **by **Infinity-Ends  
Choice between Heaven and Hell **by **tellingmelies**

Please Read & Review, give me your thoughts on the story so far. xx, stolenxsanity


	6. Two Years to Eternity

**Title: **Purest of Pain; Two Years to Eternity**  
Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted story lines.

**A/N: **Fuck, I'm so damn sorry for the epic fail in updating. Life has enjoyed kicking me these past few months and I'm just so damn sorry that it interfered with this story. Good news is, though, that DJ's much better, my dad's heart surgery went well, I'm out of the hospital and feeling physically better (mentally is a whole 'nother story) and well … I've accepted the recent passing of my mother regardless of the state of our relationship, or lack thereof as it were. *sigh* This has just not been my summer at fucking all.

This has been beta-ed, though not completely. I guess I'm just much too anxious to post it. I do have to thank **vi0lentserenity** for her beta duties and Miss **ahizelm **for looking this over for me tonight. Love, you are fucking amazing, jsyk. That being said, if you catch any glaring spelling or grammatical errors, please **PM** me and let me know. Thank you.

Now, without further ado, here's the next installment of _Purest of Pain_. It is, for all intents and purposes, a filler chapter. Important, no doubt, but still a filler. Enjoy.

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**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

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"_It's hard to defeat a woman in love." ~ Destin Figuier_

**[APOV]**

_Five AM_.

The red digital numbers of the alarm clock flashed repetitively – the angry buzz filling the air; piercing the silence – as another wet and dreary Seattle morning dawned. Mumbling incoherently to myself, I shot my hand out from beneath the warm covers and smacked the evil contraption into submission before cracking my eyes open, squinting out the still darkened window. A light smile twitched at the corner of my lips as the scents of breakfast and the strains of classical music – Beethoven from the sounds of it – permeated the walls of our townhouse. Tossing my toasty, cobalt blue, comforter aside hastily, I rolled out of bed and exited my room, my strides longer than one would expect from a person of my tiny stature. I knocked loudly on Emmett's door as it came into sight while walking down the hall, taking in the trail of pictures – silver frames offset by the chocolate covered walls – that artfully led the way to the front of the house. I entered the kitchen moments later and planted a quick kiss on Edward's cheek before accepting the mug of coffee he handed to me and leaning against the counter. Emmett trudged in soon after, his hand snapping out as he walked by, stealing the mug from me before falling into his seat at the table with a loud huff.

"Good morning to you too, Em." My voice was icier than I'd intended it to be and I quickly bounced over to the table to kiss him on the cheek as well. "Geez, cheer up, you got the coffee, Edward's cooking breakfast and it's your last day of classes." His responding grunt made me chuckle as I returned to my previous spot at the counter, watching Edward cook, almost expertly, just as our mother had taught us. He scrambled the eggs in one pan while flipping the sizzling bacon in the other, his disheveled bronze-colored hair falling haphazardly into his emerald green eyes that were dull with the fatigue of keeping odd hours while studying for his final exams.

"What are your plans for the day?" He asked, eyes shifting to me momentarily before returning to the food in front of him.

"Eh, it's my last day interning at the magazine." My tone was suffused with the annoyance I felt towards my fellow interns and the elation of knowing that I only had seven hours left stuck in that hell.

"I finish at three, though – _thank God – _and I'm meeting mom afterwards for shopping and dinner before coming home to pack." I raked my fingers through my sleep disheveled black locks – a nervous habit that both Edward and I had inherited from our father – as the trepidation over our upcoming trip settled in.

"My wardrobe may be suitable for the cold and rain that is the Pacific Northwest, but I'm not sure how well it would fare in Arizona." The Valley of the sun was Jasper's home state and the place that I would soon be visiting – the reason for my current bout with anxiety – along with both my overprotective brothers. It was disheartening, to say the least, that I would be seeing him – _in person_ – for the first time under such grievous circumstances. Not long ago, I had been looking forward to a trip like this; flying to Phoenix at the end of his tour and meeting his family – the parents that had raised such an amazing man and the sisters that he obviously cared a great deal about. Instead, our introductions would be marred by the pain of his – _of their_ – loss and the joyous occasion that it should be remembered as would always be recalled with a mix of sorrow and happiness. Throw in the presence of two sweet but overbearing big brothers along with two unsuspecting younger sisters and, determined or not, this had disaster written all over it.

I was jarred from my thoughts by a sharp poke in my ribs courtesy of Emmett and slapped his hand away impetuously, irritated with the interruption.

"Ow, shit! Sorry, Ali, I was just trying to let you know that breakfast was done, the abuse was not necessary." I rolled my eyes at the obvious note of humor in his voice and stepped around him lithely to grab a plate from the opposite counter.

As I sat at the table, only partially focused on the decadent meal before me, I quietly took in the playful banter that Emmett and Edward were engaged in. It truly was a testament to how well we got along and how close we were, despite the fact that we were siblings who happened to be very close in age, that my feigned casualty at the mention of Phoenix – or anything that was remotely related to it – didn't elicit a notable reaction from either of them, at least not while they were in front of me. We'd been over it more times than I cared to count when I'd initially brought it up – with every intention of going solo – so that they wouldn't worry when they noticed I wasn't around. That particular conversation hadn't gone quite as I'd expected – or hoped, for that matter – but all things considered, I fared better than most in my situation would have.

"_I – I can't –" his voice, normally full of happiness whenever we talked, was subdued and filled with heartache that I couldn't even begin to imagine. "I can't do this alone, Alice."_

_My own tears leaked from the corners of my eyes, a completely involuntary reaction to the pain that I knew he was feeling. "Jazzy, you won't be alone, though." My thoughts raced forward, much faster than I was used to, preparing any necessary contingencies and reviewing my schedule for the remainder of the week. Rarely did I get nervous, nor was it in my nature to be bashful or self-conscious but at that moment, I was, and I hadn't even voiced my thoughts yet. _

_It was later in the evening, after Jasper and I had worked out the logistics of my upcoming visit that I realized I'd need to talk with my brothers to inform them of … everything. It was far from the ideal situation that I'd been silently lobbying for when telling my family about Jasper and it was no doubt made infinitely more difficult because of the extenuating circumstances. Unfortunately, there was no way around it now if I didn't want my picture to be plastered all over every conceivable news broadcast as a missing person; I had, of course, gotten my 'flair for the dramatics' from the my mother and she'd undoubtedly be pestering the police within hours of my "disappearance." Thus, it was in the best interests of everyone involved that I get this over and done with now. _

"Alice!" I snapped my head to the side, eyes widened with surprise and confusion. "Finally," Edward muttered, mostly to himself. "I've been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes. Are you planning on eating that," he pointed a finger at the plate in front of me that was still piled with food. "Or are you going to continue staring at it like it holds the secrets to life?"

"Oh! Of course I'm going to eat it," I responded quickly, picking up the fork in the process. "I was in my own little world there for a bit. Sorry." A sheepish grin took over my features as I turned my head back towards him again, realizing that I must've been lost in thought for awhile since Emmett had already retreated back to his room. "Was there another reason that you trying to get my attention, dear brother, or did you just want my food?"

His laugh was much too loud and boisterous considering the time of day – causing me to cringe slightly while idly chewing on a piece of bacon – but it was so much better than the typical studious, distant and brooding Edward that both Emmett and I had come to know over the years.

"You just seemed a bit distracted," he finally managed to reply; his voice instantly morphing to one that conveyed nothing but concern. "Anything you want to talk about?"

I sighed deeply, cradling my face in my hands as I leaned into the table while considering his question. There was so much that I wanted to talk about – stuff that I _needed_ to get off my chest – but I had no idea where to start. After the whirlwind of the past few days with all the planning, re-scheduling and running around that I'd had to do just to be ready for Phoenix, I'd never actually had a moment to stop and _really_ think about what I was doing or what I'd inadvertently asked of my brothers and Jasper.

"Honestly, I'm nervous about tomorrow," I muttered after I'd lifted my head from its previous perch, eyes shifting randomly about the room as I tried to organize my racing thoughts. "What if everything falls apart because his sisters don't like me or he realizes that he –" my voice caught in my throat before I could get the words out, a haze of tears clouding my vision and slowly running down my cheeks.

"What if he realizes that he doesn't want me?" The words tumbled out in a whisper as the tears fell faster, dripping onto the table top steadily. "This situation isn't exactly ideal and I guess I just don't know what to expect. His sisters – Rose and Bella – don't even know about me yet and I'm not entirely sure I understand why."

I had no idea what had possessed me to bare my heart and soul to the would-be eternal spinster of anything even remotely related to romantic relationships, but with every word that left my lips, I felt lighter and more in control of the situation. I already knew – nearly from the moment that we began communicating – that Jasper had the potential to break me in ways that I didn't even want to imagine. I already loved him, regardless of whether or not he was aware of it, and the panic that had begun to settle into my chest, seizing my heart in its' vice-like grip, began to evaporate. _He_ was it for me, even if the impending trip proved to be futile, there would never be anyone else.

"I love him, Edward." There was no doubt behind my declaration at all and I was shocked at how easily it had come. This was the first time that I'd verbally acknowledged how deep my feelings ran, but having those four words out there where I wouldn't be able to take them back was empowering. "I know that it sounds crazy since we haven't even met in person yet, but I do. I love him and I want to be with him. I don't care where his life takes us, be it Texas or the other side of the world, _I want him_ even if that means that I have to uproot my life here to have him."

The weight of my epiphany was staggering and the smile that lit up my face was completely involuntary. _I loved him_. In that moment, with the effects of my declaration still settling over me, nothing else mattered. Not the possibility that his sisters may very well hate me, not the fact that I was walking into an unknown situation one-hundred percent blind and not the fact that, though I had an idea of how _he_ felt about _me_, there was no way that I could be positive about his feelings; none of it mattered one bit because _I_ was sure about _my_ feelings.

"If that smile on your face is any indication, it looks like you've figured things out." The laughter in Edward's voice was obvious as I carefully rearranged my face into one of annoyance and shot him a glare.

"Yes, I've figured things out." I gave a slight nod of affirmation with my words as I turned back to the food before me. "I love him. It's crazy and definitely not as simple as it sounds, but it's the truth. I'll figure everything else out when the time comes."

"You know that if you're having second thoughts that we don't need to go, right? Emmett and I won't think any less of you if you change your mind. In fact, we'd actually like it if you did change your mind. It'd certainly make our jobs easier, all things considered." His voice, though light, carried an undercurrent of the protectiveness that I'd come to know intimately over the years, a downfall of being the youngest Cullen sibling _and_ the only girl. We'd had this same discussion in varying forms multiple times over the past few days and the end result was always the same. I wasn't going to back down from this, despite their trepidations. I'd given in to their need of going with me because I understood why they felt the way that they did, but I wasn't going to let them change my mind. They could argue their points – which, to be fair, were certainly valid – until they were blue in the face if that's what they wanted to do, but my resolve was firm and unwavering. If there was one thing that I'd learned over the years, it was the fact that it only took one look to ensure that I'd get my way. It was the reason for the canary yellow Porsche 911 Turbo sitting in the garage and the cute – even if a bit bigger than necessary – townhouse that we lived in; just one of the few benefits that stemmed from being the baby of the family.

"Edward," my intonation was one of irritation at having had this conversation more times than I cared to remember. "I already told you _and_ Emmett that _I am_ going. You don't have to, and neither does he if you'd both rather stick around Seattle. But I am _not_ changing my mind. Bringing it up now, and any time in the future, is just a waste of time, breath and energy."

His responding sigh spoke volumes; it was a concession of sorts, or as much of one as I would ever get from him. "I know that _you're_ convinced that you need to do this, Ali, but we're not. You've known him all of what? A few months? How can you know that you love someone you've only known such a short amount of time and haven't even met in person yet? How can you be so confident in the fact that, if you went alone, you'd ever be coming home again? You seem to forget that, although you're convinced that he's not some psychotic serial killer intent on luring you to your death under false pretenses, you don't _really_ know him. Haven't you ever seen those _Dateline_ specials about catching online predators?" The pause in his speech was riddled with tension, thick and expectant, stifling words that I'd heard one too many times. They were my brothers and they were afraid for me and trying to shelter me the only way they knew how, that was the simple truth and the reaction that I'd more than expected. I'd placated them by finally giving in to their pleas to accompany me on what they believed to be a suicide mission – _silly melodramatic boys_ – and just wanted the well-meaning but highly annoying chatter to stop. They were like a couple of over-excited Chihuahuas that just didn't know when to quit barking and didn't seem to understand the meaning of "enough!"

"I know all this already, Edward, so _please_ give it a rest. For starters, _you_ seem to forget that I am _not_ a minor so that _Dateline_ show doesn't even apply to me. In that regards, I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and don't need to ask for your permission. I could very well have gone off without telling either of you anything, but I was respectful enough to know that had I done that, you'd be freaking out. Just accept that there's nothing you can do that'll change anything. You and Em are going with just like you wanted so be content with that." I quickly finished up the rest of my breakfast, realizing that it was later than I'd thought and I needed to hurry if I wanted to get to work on time.

"Don't forget to pack and remind Emmett to do the same. I'll probably bring home take-out when I get back so dinner shouldn't be a problem but if anything does come up, I'll call. Now, go get ready for school or you're going to be late as well and good luck with your finals even though I don't think you need it." With another kiss on the cheek, I rumpled his hair playfully creating an even messier disarray of wayward locks before flitting off towards my room.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

I eyed the piles of clothes that littered my bed warily, much more nervous than I'd expected to be over something as simple – for me at least – as packing. The conversation that I'd had with my mother earlier in the day was on a constant loop in my head. She'd been as understanding as ever, not that I'd expected anything less, but being the caring and involved mother that she was, she worried as well. A lot more than I'd initially thought she did, in fact. She'd known about Jasper and the circumstances that surrounded our meeting and relationship for some time now, but like my brothers, she was worried about me putting so much into it sight unseen, so to speak.

"_Are you sure that you want to do this, Alice? You know that you don't have to go, right? No one would think any less of you, and if he has sisters, than I'm sure he'd understand."_

"_No, I know mom. I'm not going because I feel like I have to or that I owe him something. I want to go; I need to be there with him while he's going through this."_

"_If you're sure, sweetie. I'll be honest, though, your father and I are both glad that your brothers are going with you. We're parents so obviously, we'll be wary about any man that comes into your life even if it were in a more conventional way." Her eyes took on a faraway look as she blindly perused a rack of clothes, undoubtedly thinking about the early days of her relationship with my father. It was a story that we'd all heard countless times, but that didn't make it any less beautiful. "Then again, when you know its love there's nothing that you'll let stand in the way. You are my daughter, after all."_

_I couldn't help chuckling at her statement and how absolutely true it was. I was, in every possible way, her daughter and it was blatantly apparent to anyone who knew the both of us. _

"_Thanks Mom, I really appreciate your support in all this because I know that it can't be easy for you. It must go against your every parental instinct to let me traipse off to another state for a man that I met on the internet."_

"_That it does, Alice. But like I said, when you know, you know."_

And she was right, despite everything else, I _knew_. It was like a sixth sense that I'd never been aware of before this morning and my talk with Edward. Jasper was _the one_. Whether or not he knew that was an entirely different story, but I could – and would – be patient if need be; if I had no other choice.

"Al, what time is our flight again?" Emmett called out, his voice carrying throughout the entire house.

"We need to be at Sea-Tac by 8 and I'm hoping to leave the house by 6:30, if not a bit earlier." I called back, sorting through the mass of clothes scattered everywhere. "Have you and Edward packed yet?"

"Of course we have, Alice. We're not you." Edward shouted back from the kitchen where he was cleaning the fridge of all its' perishable items so we wouldn't come home to unbearable stench and grossly decayed food. "Are you going to finish this carrot cake in here tonight or should I just toss it?"

"Toss it," I responded automatically, head stuck in my closet as I rummaged through the various coats and dresses that hung in there as I searched for something funeral appropriate. "You both packed your suits, right?"

"Yes, Al," they both chorused together before bursting into laughter. I didn't blame them one bit, I was a little on the anal retentive side when it came to packing as they'd very well learned over the years after all our family vacations.

Three hours, one phone call to Jasper and a quick run to Walgreens later, I was finally packed. The travel toiletries that I'd picked up tucked into the outside pocket of my suitcase while my mini-duffel rested beside my bedroom door containing a few sets of clothes and basic necessities for carry-on. Having had my checked luggage get lost somewhere between Seattle and Italy once before taught me an indispensible life lesson and I always packed a bag of clothes as carry-on just in case it happened again. I was nothing if not prepared for various possible outcomes.

I prepared for bed lethargically, my mind taking me back many months to the day that I'd – out of sheer boredom – signed up on one of the many social networking sites that the World Wide Web offered. At the time, I had no idea that I would eventually become so wrapped up on the online world, meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends. It was like High School all over again and I was reluctant to let it slip from my grasp. College and interning had taken over my life so swiftly that, when I finally had a moment to take a step back and re-evaluate, I'd realized that I never went out anymore and the only people I ever spent time with were Edward and Emmett. It had been with that thought that I'd kept up my online perusals, desperate for contact outside of the lovely little bubble that I'd been wrapped up in for the past few years.

I had stumbled across Jasper's profile a few weeks later after a long and frustrating day at the office. One hand had been stealthily clicking through page after page of new members while the other gripped a bottle of water, fingers tightening and loosening rhythmically. Names, ages and locations all blurred together nonsensically, nothing particular appealing jumping out at me until I saw his name. Jasper. It was the simplicity of it all that made me click on it. The pathetic attempts at humor or innuendo that adorned every other male on this site didn't appeal to me at all. I wanted real. I wanted simple. I wanted someone that didn't bother trying to conform to the so-called societal norms. And really, with a name like Jasper, conforming couldn't have been very manageable.

My alarm went off sooner than I would have liked and I rolled over quickly, shutting it off. With a stretch, arching my back and yawning tiredly, I rolled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I could smell coffee the coffee brewing and was thankful, yet again, for Edward's foresight and the automatic timer that the coffee pot came equipped with. I'd definitely need the caffeine boost today. I was absolutely exhausted; my sleep having been restless and uneasy as I'd woken up repeatedly throughout the night to make sure that I'd packed everything necessary.

Edward and Emmett were already up and dressed, picking at a box of pastries that one of them – probably Edward – had picked up from the bakery at the end of the block. I mumbled a thank you, padding to the cabinet that housed the coffee mugs, and poured myself a cup while staring, unseeingly, out the window above the sink. The heavens were tinged with pinks, purples and oranges of sunrise, blue skies peeking out behind fluffy white clouds and I smiled to myself at the good omen this presented.

The morning flew by in a maelstrom of last minute packing and suitcases. I ran around frantically consulting my pre-trip checklist of things that needed to be done before we left as I locked windows, turned off power breakers and unplugged anything and everything that had the potential of starting a fire in our absence. There were notes pinned to the corkboard in the kitchen with reminders that I'd already temporarily cancelled the newspaper and contacted the post office to make sure that they held our mail until we returned. It wasn't until half an hour before we were due to leave as a cab pulled up out front depositing both my parents onto the front curb that I'd remembered asking them to stop by to pick up my car and Emmett's jeep and store both at their house for the time being. I mentally smacked myself in the head as I rushed out the door, jacket hanging from one arm, keys dangling in the fingers from the opposite hand sputtering out rushed words of thanks before kissing both on the cheek and taking off back into the house. Despite the fact that I was ready for this – ready to _finally_ meet Jasper in the flesh – I was a wreck of nerves and anxieties running around like a "fairy on crack" as Emmett had so eloquently put it. Edward was finally able to drag me from the house, locking the door behind us and pocketing the key before I could snatch it from his hand, and into the car with reassurances that everything had been taken care of here and we had everything that we needed for the flight.

After one connecting flight in San Francisco, and roughly six hours of in-flight time, we landed at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. The flight attendants – all overly-made up and way too perky for my liking – had paid far too much attention to both of my brothers and I was more than happy to be getting off the damn plane. Edward looked just as relieved as I did, never one for attention even if it was from the fairer sex, and wound his arm through mine as we walked towards the baggage claim area after sending Emmett off to the car rental area.

The luggage was retrieved and packed into the black Cadillac STS that Emmett rented. I hopped into the front seat and plugged Jasper's address into the portable GPS before locking the hooks into the air vents to hold it in place. The drive would only take an hour – an hour and a half at most – and I bounced lightly in the front seat in an attempt to expel the nervous energy that had built up. _He wants you here_, I chanted to myself, foot tapping repeatedly to the beat of the music. _Jasper wants you here and if he didn't, he would've said so._ Instead of thinking of the unlikely _what ifs_ that had decided to plague my mind yet again, I thought back to the first time I'd seen him on web cam, face alight with a glow that was lacking in every picture that I'd seen of him. He'd smiled at me crookedly, exhaustion clear on his dirt streaked face, while greeting me in that absolutely fucking sexy southern drawl of his.

"Alice I think we're here," Emmett muttered, double-checking the GPS before putting the car into park. "Do you – are you ready to go in?"

I nodded without making a conscious decision to do so and my hand gripped the door handle tightly before clicking the unlock button and pushing it open. "Yea, I'm ready. You guys are going to come to the door with me, right?"A moment of sheer panic ran through me as I turned back towards my brothers, eyes wide as saucers. "I mean, you can come back to get the bags later and I'm sure that it'd be best to be shown our rooms first and, of course, we need to be properly introduced before we just waltz up the walkway and practically invite ourselves in. Oh my God, does my hair look okay? My clothes? Make-up?" My hands fluttered haphazardly around my hair before brushing out the invisible wrinkles in my shirt and pants.

"Mary Alice, you _really_ need to relax. What happened to your strong resolve from yesterday morning? I'll admit that I'd rather have you safe at home in Seattle, preferably locked in your room with Emmett guarding the window, but everything will be fine. And if it's not fine, I'm sure Emmett wouldn't mind putting Jasper in his place, right Em?"

"Of course not, besides Alice, we're already here. This is the point of no return; the money has been spent, the trip has been made and we're parked right outside his house. In fact, I think I just saw someone standing by that front window watching us."

Peeking out from the corner of my eye, I saw the curtain in the front window fluttering around before it was pulled aside. There, framed in the picture window, stood Jasper and the most shockingly beautiful, statuesque blond. A deep scowl was etched on her face as her arms flailed around, gesturing towards the top of the house and then towards the three of us sitting in the car before she stomped out of sight.

"Well," I sighed out, the resolve that Edward had mentioned previously dissipating altogether. "It's now or never, guys."

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, so, I'm not expecting much of a response to this chapter. But, just know that it was important to the overall story and the next chapter will be getting right back into the midst of everything in Phoenix and will be from Jasper's POV. It's almost done being written, so rest assured that – as long as nothing life altering happens – it'll be posted soon enough. And, thank you all for sticking with me.

As usual, the chapter title song is posted on my profile and y'all are welcome to join us on the Twilighted thread. The link is also posted on my profile.

**Carpe Noctem & Fiat Lux** by **queenofgrey  
Son of a Preacher Man **by **LaViePastiche  
The Girl Under the Bed **by **Nostalgicmiss**


	7. If There Was a TIme

**Title: **Purest of Pain; If There Was a Time**  
Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted story lines.

**A/N: **Well, a month is better than two, right? *cringes* I'm sorry, again. I won't bother you with excuses but, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that the next chapter is already written and has been sent off to **vi0lentserenity**; so it'll be posted much, much quicker.

Thank you's most definitely go out to my beta's **vi0lentserenity** and **maganbagan** and to **gypsysue **and **ahizelm **for talking me down when I felt like trashing the entire thing and reassuring me that it was fine. You ladies are fucking awesome and I _do not_ know what I'd do without you. F'real!

* * *

**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

* * *

"_There are two kinds of light – the glow that illumines and the glare that obscures." ~ James Thurber_

**[JPOV]**

Anger and guilt coursed through my veins, waging an internal war as each emotion fought for dominance. My teeth were gritted, grinding together as I struggled to restrain the words that threatened to break free; words that would only serve to do more harm than good. The sound of doors and cabinetry slamming reached my ears as I stood at the end of the upstairs hall and the guilt crashed down on me, buckling my knees as I leaned against the wall, breaths heavy and shallow, silent sobs wracking my body. I could hear Bella in her room, squeaky bed springs, the light rustle of sheets and sharp gasps were barely muted through the layer of drywall that separated us. I wanted to go to her, to comfort and talk to her, apologize for my lies of omission and reassure her that she, along with Rose, were _still_ – and would always be – two of the most important women in my life. My heart clenched in my chest as everything that had happened just moments ago – all the words that had been spoken out of sheer defiance and anger – ran through my mind, searing and stinging. _This_ was not what I wanted, how I'd expected the morning to start or the reaction that I'd hoped for to the news of Alice.

I inhaled deeply one last time, pushing the emotional onslaught down and burying it in the far corners of my mind, before pushing myself away from the wall and into the guest room. I'd gotten most of the cleaning done the night before and only needed to collect the boxes and piles of linen from the foot of the staircase to make up the beds. The downstairs guest room was already prepared, having been the one most frequently used in the past by the occasional visiting family member, and after some light dusting and vacuuming, it had been perfectly presentable for company. I took another moment to look around the room, the picture window allowing a steady stream of sunlight to cover the room in its yellow-orange glow, highlighting the framed pictures lining the bookshelf. Family trips and special events were documented, spanning the years and taking me back to a much simpler and happy time when life wasn't so complicated and arguments were refereed and decided by our parents. _God, how I missed them._

My eyes landed on one picture in particular and my hand reached out of its own volition and snagged it from its perch. I sat on the bed, running my fingers over the glass reverently. My mind took over as I studied it, the smiles wide and eyes glinting with unbridled joy as the three of us – Rose, Bella and I – stood in the backyard, rain falling around us and our clothes covered in mud, a frightened fur ball clasped in our hands. We'd spent the entire morning chasing down a stray cat, the drops falling from the sky doing nothing to hinder our search while Charlie and Renee stood on the back porch watching us. The childlike simplicity of it both tortured and delighted me and I started when a stray teardrop landed on the edge of the frame. With a disgruntled sigh, I brought my hands to my face, rubbing it roughly in an effort to scrub the tear tracks from my face. I needed to be stronger than this, than what I was, than what I had been; for Bella, for Rose, and for me.

After another moment of silent reflection, I returned to work, taking the steps two at a time and collecting the boxes and piles of linen that lay strewn about the floor. I paused briefly on the first step as I turned to ascend the stairs once more, contemplating finding Rose and apologizing. The house was still, though, cloaked in a haze of resentment and deceit that permeated my entire being, clutching me in its near unbreakable grasp. I shook my head, reveling in the ache and burn of the muscles in my forearms and biceps, my feet resuming their previous movements, back to the guest room.

The beds were made with precision, hospital corners reflecting my military training, and the room white-glove inspection ready in no time. With a small smile and a nod of satisfaction, I retreated to my own bed, collapsing on the mattress in a tangle of sweaty clothes and wayward limbs. Exhaustion riddled my body, my lack of sleep finally catching up to me, and I knew that I didn't have the energy necessary to fight it any longer; this day had already taken too much out of me and it'd barely even begun. Breakfast had been a complete fucking failure, and the only thing I'd managed to achieve was alienating my sisters even more. Exasperated, I rolled onto my stomach, burying my face in the fluffy down pillows that hadn't been replaced since before I'd left home. With one arm wrapped under the pillow and the other resting atop it, I inhaled deeply to relax and closed my eyes, hoping that I'd sleep peacefully.

_The midday sun beat down on the back of my uncovered neck as I stalked through the streets, dust and sand blowing every which way, covering me in a fine layer of grit. I could feel the strap of my M-16 digging into my shoulder through the layers of camouflaged cloth, its weight a formidable presence over my left arm. Static crackled from the radio in my ear, attached to my helmet, as I kept up a steady pace behind the convoy of Humvees, gravel crunching beneath feet and tires as we worked to secure the perimeter. The last Intel we'd received had informed us that the area had already been cleared of insurgents, and we'd set out with the thought that this was nothing more than simple protocol. Abandoned buildings rose up on either side of the road, dilapidated shelters for the innocents that had been rendered homeless almost entirely at the hands of their own countrymen. _

_The explosion sounded seconds later, rattling the ground beneath my feet and tossing me backward an indeterminable distance. I could feel the warm blood trickling down the side of my face, the taste of rust and salt settled on my tongue as I ran it between my lips. Heat, blinding and stifling, surrounded me, the glow of the blazing inferno hindering my line of sight as I clambered unsteadily to my feet. Disembodied voices erupted from the radio that had been knocked off its clip and lay a few feet to my right, the consistent calls of 'fall back' suffusing the air. _

_Ignoring the chaotic shouts demanding immediate acquiescence, I trudged forward, focused only on rescuing the men trapped behind the wall of flames. With every step, searing pain shot through my body in steady waves and the throbbing at the back of my head flared, blurring my vision temporarily. The second blast echoed off the walls, sending another shock wave through my system and causing white orbs to erupt in front of my eyes as I fought to steady myself against the nearest sturdy object. Blinking rapidly, I shook my head from side to side in an effort to get the buzzing in my ears to stop, but the attempt was a lost cause; appallingly futile. _

_My legs worked automatically, leading me towards the heat and through the smoke, one hand covering my mouth and nose as the other swatted ineffectively at the haze surrounding me. Pitiful moans and groans riddled with agony filtered through the buzz the closer I got to the wreckage. The smell of blood permeated my senses and pain, pure and unbridled in its invasion, brought me to my knees at the sight that lay before me. _

I woke with a jolt, my head pounding from the tumult of images that had assaulted my subconscious, sweat dripping down my face, covering every inch of my body and drenching the bed beneath and around me. The thin white shirt that I was wearing clung to my back and chest from the perspiration making the already unbearable heat and humidity of Arizona even worse. Scene after scene played in my head, relentless in its torture as the agony tore away at me from the inside out. Sharp gasps were expelled forcefully from my open mouth as I struggled against the onslaught, fingers clawing at the comforter tangled around my legs in an effort to ground myself to the present.

Rose's voice, my name coming out in a disgruntled tone, her irritation and exasperation obvious, broke through my focus, effectively halting the building panic. I could hear the acrylic of her nails beating out a rhythm along the solid oak banister, and the almost inaudible huffs of frustration as she waited for my response. Stretching, my tense muscles groaning in protest at the movement, I rose from the bed on shaky legs and lifted my shirt up over my head to toss it into the hamper before pulling a clean one over my head and exiting the room.

"What?" My voice was hoarse and raspy, tinges of annoyance infused in my curt response.

"I think your _girlfriend_ –" the word rolled off her tongue with vehemence as her lips curled into a sneer. "And her brothers are here; at least I'm assuming that's who it is parked at the curb staring at the house. Either that or someone is casing the place in broad daylight."

I exhaled quickly as I took in Rose's defensive stance, desperately trying to rein in my agitation. "Rosie can't you just give her – give _them_ – a chance? You don't even know her and you're already passing judgment."

"That's funny seeing as how _you_ don't really _know_ her either," she retorted icily, gaze piercing and arms moving to cross over her chest. "And are they ever planning on coming in or are they just going to sit out in that car, in this ridiculous fucking heat, all day?" I watched as she turned on her heel and walked towards the picture window, pulling the curtain wide open and planting her hands on her hips, defiant and furious.

Taking the steps two at a time, I joined her at the window, repressing the urge to engage in another bout of verbal sparring. Neither of us ever won and it would only make the tension between us thicker. "Look, Rose, I really am sorry for not saying anything to you sooner. You've got to believe that it was never my intention to keep this from you or Bella but, what would you have said if I told you about Alice and that, not only was she my girlfriend, but I'd met her online?"

"I would've said you were absolutely fucking insane, because you are. How could you even think to invite complete strangers into our home without even thinking about asking Bella or I if it was okay?" Her arms were rigid as she gestured towards the upper floor and out the window, a look of pure, unbridled fury contorting her face.

"I love you, Jasper; that goes without saying. But honestly, I miss _my_ brother." With those words, she stalked up the stairs. The harshness of her words reverberated through my mind, biting and bitter but absolutely fucking true. I knew that I'd changed but I had no fucking idea when or how to make it right, how to take away the fury I saw burning behind her bright blue eyes every time she looked at me and the way Bella's eyes glistened with pain, rejection and thinly veiled fear in my presence.

A knock at the door broke me from my contemplations and I ran my hands over my face, nervousness building in the pit of my stomach. This wasn't how I'd expected this particular meeting to go; I wanted my sisters to accept her – accept _us_ together – and realize that I loved Alice. I may not have said those words to anyone but myself, but it was true nonetheless. I loved Alice and not knowing how she felt in return frightened me beyond comparison. It was quite possible that two of the only three women that I'd ever loved before Alice hated me, and unfortunately, I couldn't blame them for those feelings. How could I be the man that she deserved if I couldn't even keep my own sisters happy?

I fought back the sudden surge of memories Rose had unintentionally dredged up and slid the deadbolt to the left, resting my forehead against the cold wood momentarily. The click of the lock reverberated throughout the house, interrupting the calming interlude of classical music that was filtering through the ceiling. Pausing briefly, I cocked my head to the side, listening to the dark notes that, even at a low volume, seemed to fill every inch of space. With a slight shake of my head, I pulled the front door open slowly, almost fearfully. This was a marked moment, one that had the potential to either make or break me.

"Jasper?" Her voice was meek, timidity infusing her normally jovial and energetic demeanor. I stood there, jaw slack and fingers gripping the wooden door frame, painfully quiet, reverent. All the pictures I'd seen and all the times that we'd chatted on web cams did _not_ do her justice. In person, her eyes were much more expressive, true windows to her soul and her face shone with a timeless, classic beauty that was incomparable. I vaguely made note of the two imposing figures beside, and slightly behind, Alice, but she had captured my complete and undivided attention. I don't know how long we stood there, eyes traveling over each other. We were lost in our own world – in a bubble that existed solely for the two of us – and just as I was about to reach out and pull her into my arms, my intense focus was broken by the sound of a throat clearing over my shoulder.

"The neighbors are staring, Jazz," Rose pointed out, tilting her head towards the house across the street. Our neighbor, Mr. Duncan – a retired high school teacher that gossiped more than an old woman – stood on his front stoop, newspaper held tightly in both hands as he watched our house intently. I waved languidly, the corner of my mouth quirking up in a forced, half-smile before standing aside to allow Alice and her brothers inside, closing the door softly behind them and sliding the deadbolt back into place.

"Rose – I –" I exhaled sharply and moved to stand beside Alice, presenting a united front and borrowing her immeasurable strength. I felt Alice's tiny hand's curl into my own as she laced our fingers together and squeezed it tightly to get my attention and offered me a tiny smile, anxiety rolling of her in waves as her eyes flickered between Rose and I. My body reacted immediately to her soft, sure touch and I returned her smile, tugging her gently closer to my side. Alice smiled tentatively in Rose's direction as she stepped in front of me, not once breaking our contact.

"Rose, is it? I'm Alice, Jasper's girlfriend and these are my brothers," she gestured with her free hand to the bigger of the two. "Emmett and –"

"Is that Bach I hear?" The still nameless brother murmured his eyes fixed on the ceiling and brows furrowed in deep concentration.

"And the classical music aficionado is Edward," Alice muttered, her smile growing wider as she offered her hand to Rose.

"It's Rosalie," Rose responded, her tone haughty and voice clipped as she turned to walk up the stairs, completely ignoring Alice's outstretched limb. Pausing at the top, she spared me an over-the-shoulder glance, her smile condescending and venomous. "I'm sure you'll be fine showing them around, Jazz." She swept the room one final time, eyes glacial and penetrative, before disappearing around the corner, her departure followed by the muted thud of a closing door. It took every ounce of will power I could muster up not to follow her up the stairs and find out what her problem was and why she was being such an outright bitch. She'd always been a difficult person to get to know, to get close to, but this was a completely new level, even for her and it was something that my mind just couldn't comprehend.

"Sorry about that," I whispered apologetically, fingers twitching at my side as I contemplated going after Rose. "I'd say that she isn't normally such a bitch, but that wouldn't be completely true." I inhaled deeply as I gripped Alice's hand tighter and, following her lead, turned to face her brothers and introduced myself.

"Emmett, Edward" I nodded slightly towards the both of them, trying to convey my sincerity with a steady, unfaltering gaze.

"It's nice to finally be able to put a face to the names; Alice talks about you both all the time. I apologize for the way my sister treated you all a moment ago. As you can probably tell, things are a bit strained around here right now." I scratched the back of my neck, a nervous habit that I'd picked up years ago. "As I'm sure you've already figured out, I'm Jasper, Rose is my twin sister – and again, I'm sorry that she was such a bitch, she's just a bit … defensive." I couldn't help but smile slightly, even though I was irritated with the way she'd treated Alice and her brothers, she was fiercely protective by nature and, despite my discontent towards her right now, I could understand where it came from. "And, the music you referred to earlier," I tilted my head towards Edward as I addressed him. "That was coming from Bella's room. I'm not sure when, but you'll meet her eventually." I cut myself off before my nerves did me in completely and turned me into a bumbling idiot.

"Hey Jasper," Emmett finally responded, extending a hand that I gladly accepted and squeezing it with more force than was absolutely necessary. It was an unspoken threat, and one that I accepted implicitly. "I'm sorry about your parents," he muttered after a few seconds, releasing his grip and giving me a half-hearted smile. Edward, however, just nodded stiffly as he studied me, hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans as he took in my stance with unfaltering scrutiny. Their concern was understandable, though, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would have reacted the same way if I had been put in their position. My sisters meant more to me than my own life and, as far as I was concerned, no one would ever be good enough for either of them no matter how hard they tried.

I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly as the tension in the room mounted, searching for something to say; anything would be better than the fucking stifling silence that blanketed the space. Unfortunately, my brain appeared to have gone on vacation and instead of saying something, my mouth just opened and closed repeatedly like a fish out of water.

"Well, maybe you should show us the guestrooms so we can bring in our luggage." Alice's voice broke the charged silence as she angled her body between us, efficiently drawing our attention to her. "I don't know about you two," she turned her head towards her brothers, smiling widely as she spoke. "But, I could use a shower and a change of clothes after sitting on a plane for hours."

Complying quickly, I showed them both the rooms, letting them flesh out the sleeping arrangements on their own as I retreated to the kitchen for a glass of water and Tylenol. My head was still throbbing from my earlier dream, the sights and sounds still fresh and clawing at me, intent on forcing me to relive it; to remember with clarity a day that would be burned into my brain for the rest of my life yet wanted nothing more than to forget. The bottle of _Ten High_ still sat on the counter top where I'd abandoned it the previous night, the amber liquid resting at the bottom tempting me like an impossible to resist seductress. I wanted to feel the liquor brand my tongue and set my throat ablaze as it slid down, teasing my taste buds with its bitterness.

"The shot glass is in the dishwasher if you need it," Rose scoffed from behind me, shocking me back to the present. "But I'm sure you wouldn't want your girlfriends' brothers to classify you as an alcoholic if they happened to wander in here while you're nursing that bottle."

"Why are you being such a bitch, Rose?" I murmured as I turned to face her, leaning my back against the counter. "What did they do to you to deserve the way you acted earlier?"

"This just isn't exactly the most convenient time for visitors, Jazz. Bella is an absolute mess right now, or did you not notice the complete disaster of a breakfast this morning? We should be focused on getting through this together _and _intact instead of entertaining guests, least of all some star struck little girl that's here to take advantage of your vulnerability." Pots and plans were being tossed out of the lower cabinets as Rose spoke, the noise a cover for the conversation we were having.

"Do you ever listen to the things you say sometimes? Better yet, do you even think about what the fuck leaves your mouth before saying them?" My hands trembled at my sides with the force of the ire that had built up and exceeded beyond its breaking point. "You said earlier that you missed _your_ brother, right? Well guess what, Rosie, I miss _my_ sister."

Her back grew rigid in her crouched position, spine slowly straightening as she rose and faced me, fire in her glassy, tear-filled eyes. "In case you haven't noticed, our parents were just killed and _I _was the one that had to somehow find a way to deal with that _on my own_ while simultaneously making sure that Bella didn't completely lose herself in the process." She was spewing venom as she walked towards me, sure and deliberate in her course. "It was _me_, Jasper. _Always me_. After you ran off to fulfill some silly, stupid childhood dream of yours, _I_ had to fix _your_ mistakes. Every birthday and holiday that passed by without so much as a fucking phone call, _I _was the one making excuses for you; reminding Bella that you did care and comforting Mom when she cried."

Tears were running down her face in a steady stream, dripping from her chin and falling to the floor as her steps brought her closer, only an inch or two separating us. "That's what happened to _your_ sister," she seethed, her finger prodding at the center of my chest. "And now, when I finally thought that I – that _we_ – had you back, even under these circumstances, you go and bring someone else into the picture. How are we supposed to compete with that?" Her voice wavered and broke on the last word as she collapsed into my chest, wrenching sobs shaking her entire body. I felt her hands digging into my shoulders tightly, painfully, but just pulled her closer and wrapped my arms around her as she cried.

"Alice is not trying to replace you and Bella in my life or take advantage of me, Rose," I whispered into the top of her head as I held her tighter, my arms crossing each other around her back. "She just wants to help me – to help _us_ – through this. You and I both know that we can't do this alone. We simply can't; we'll tear each other down if we try."

Her grip slackened as she backed away, putting space between us and wiping errant tears and smudges from her face with the back of her hand. "I need to cook dinner," her voice still trembled slightly before she cleared her throat and brushed the sweaty strands of hair out of her eyes. "Do you know if there's anything they can't or don't eat?" I could see the resolve in her strengthening with every inhale and exhale as her walls built back up around her, only the red of her eyes and the tell-tale tracks down her face proof of her breakdown.

"As far as I know, they aren't allergic to anything," I responded with a resigned sigh. "But, I'll ask to make sure." I paused as I walked out of the kitchen, my shoulders hunched and muscles tight, tense. "Can you do me a favor and get rid of the rest of the whiskey?" I didn't wait for her answer, knowing that she'd do it without question, and hastily exited the room.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

I sat on the back deck after quietly helping Rose clean the kitchen when dinner was done; my head was tilted back as I studied the stars in the comforting stillness that surrounded me. My brain ran over the words that Rose had spat at me earlier, her rage giving way to how she truly felt; feelings that she'd somehow managed to hold back in the past. If I'd felt guilty earlier in the day, it couldn't even begin to compare to the way I felt now. Rose couldn't have affected me more even if she'd tried because she was right. It hadn't been a completely conscious decision, but over time, I'd distanced myself from my family little by little; calling or writing only when it had become absolutely necessary. At the time, I hadn't realized how much of an effect my actions were having on them, but now I realized where I'd gone wrong and just how badly I'd fucked up.

The sound of the storm door creaking open slowly, and Alice's melodious voice whispering my name, met my ears as she stepped onto the deck with me and instead of turning to face her, I close my eyes reveling in her energetic presence behind my chair. Her dainty hands curled around my shoulders softly, tentative in their actions, and I relaxed immediately into her touch, a relieved sigh escaping my slightly parted lips.

"Do you want to talk?" She asked apprehensively; worry clouding her tone as her fingers continued their movements across my back.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, lips turned up into a slightly crooked grin at the concern etched across her face. "I probably should," I murmured as I covered her hand with mine, stilling her motions. "I don't even know where to start though. Despite the reason I had to come home early, I was happy that I'd be able to see Rose and Bella. I expected it be bittersweet, all things considered but I didn't expect … _this_." I gestured in an offhand way over my head and towards the house at my back. "I'm happy you're here, though," I murmured quietly, almost inaudibly as my grip tightened. "I don't know that I'd be able to handle everything otherwise."

I had turned my head back so that I was looking out across the yard this time, random memories of my childhood flitting through my mind sporadically. Alice's chin settled on my opposite shoulder and I could feel her warm breath ghosting along my cheek with every exhale as well as the beat of her heart against my back.

"I'm happy to be here, too, Jasper and," she paused briefly as if considering her advice before voicing them out loud. "I'm sure they'll come around because they love you, just give them time. All three of you are dealing with some pretty major adjustments right now and, it's understandable that emotions are running high and clouding everyone's judgment." Her words soothed me, lulling me into a sense of security and contentment that I hadn't felt in a long time.

"I just – I want them to be happy and I want my relationship with them to be how it was before I graduated, before I left. But, I feel like they're still making me pay for what I did back then, even though I've apologized for it more times than I care to count; they still throw in my face at every turn. It's wearing me out. I know I made a mistake and I'm sure I'll continue making them, but I don't know if I can keep apologizing for something that happened two years ago." I leaned forward in my seat, breaking the contact between Alice and me, my head falling into my hands as I exhaled noisily.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't been able to do anything right by them; Rose looks at me with such contempt and disgust sometimes that I seriously wish I could kick my own ass and Bella, _fuck_, she is – she _was_ – my best friend, Alice, I _need_ her to forgive me, to let me in."

"Give her time," Alice breathed out, her arms wrapping around me tightly as she leaned her entire body over the back of the seat. "I know that I haven't met her yet, and I can only hope that she'll be more receptive to my presence than Rosalie was, but I don't see how either of them can stay mad at you for long." I could feel her breath fanning against the back of my neck as she leaned into me, the self-deprecation waning little by little with every word she spoke.

"And behind Rose's icy facade, I can see that she loves you. You're still her brother and she'd fight tooth and nail for your happiness if the situation arose, and I assure you, I don't envy anyone who pushes her to those extremes. But, you've got to see that she's conflicted right now … she's not sure how to react so, she's going with instinct, a twisted sense of self-preservation if you will. Except, those reactions extend beyond herself to you and Bella as well."

Her intonation was wistful but strong as she continued speaking, making me understand things from another perspective, something that I couldn't do on my own because I was too close to the situation myself. "I don't begrudge her that, you know? She's doing what she feels is right and, who's to say that my reaction wouldn't be the same if it were one of my brothers?"

I chuckled softly, despite my somber mood, and used the arm hanging over my shoulder to guide Alice around to the front of the chair. "When did you become so smart?" I asked, tugging her down until she was seated comfortably on my lap, curled up against my chest.

"Well, one of us needs to be," Alice retorted with a laugh, pulling her diminutive frame tighter against me. "It just so happens that, in this situation, that person would be me."

I buried my nose in the wayward tresses at the crown of her head, her scent assaulting my olfactory senses as I inhaled deeply, the action causing the tension in my neck and back to dissipate, calming me further. "I don't think I've felt this at ease in years," I murmured, my hands gripping her waist lightly, reverently. "It's almost surreal, but I don't think I'd have it any other way."

"I wouldn't either." Her words came out airily; a tiny smile playing at the corners of her mouth as she leaned her head back, her big blue eyes shining in the faint light that filtered out from the kitchen windows. "I thought I'd be more nervous than I was when I saw you, unsure of myself and everything that's happened over the past few months, but when you opened the door, the look in your eyes … it just felt right, perfect."

Her intonation was desirous as she snuggled still closer, not an inch of space separating us. "It feels so natural, doesn't it?" she asked; hope radiating from her entire being.

"Like breathing." My gaze was intent, flitting from her bright, and cornflower hued irises down to her lips in a steady circuit. I felt her chest against mine, rising and falling with every breath she took, her pulse thudding fast as my fingertips brushed along the side of her neck, reaching up to cup her cheek delicately, the pads of my rough and calloused fingers brushing along her pale flesh. The moment was perfect, all things considered, and the electricity that pulsed through me, flowing seamlessly through and around us crackled with its intensity. I moved languidly, savoring every touch and breath, blocking everything else – all the shit that had been torturing me relentlessly – from my mind. All I saw was Alice; the definition of her cheekbones, the fullness of her lips, the brightness in her unfaltering gaze. Her lips were slightly parted, breath ghosting over my face as I moved closer, leaning my forehead against hers and eyes imploring. I _needed_ her to let me know that this was okay, that I wasn't crossing any lines or being presumptuous. _She_ needed to make the last move and close the distance between us because, as much as I wanted this – and _God_, how I wanted this – it had to be her decision. Seconds passed feeling like an eternity as we stared at each other, shadows danced across her face throwing her delicate features into sharp relief, her eyes heavy and lidded and lashes fluttering, unnecessarily coy.

"Kiss me already," she breathed, inhaling deeply as her eyes fell shut.

I felt my lips curving into a smile as I brushed them across hers softly, tenderly; reveling in the pure bliss of the moment. One of Alice's hands dug into the material of my shirt, fisting it tightly as she held me in place – _as if I wanted to be anywhere else _– as the other fluttered along my shoulder, grasping onto the back of my neck and pulling my head down in one movement. Her lips molded around mine, malleable and smooth as they moved, tentatively nipping on the moist skin, breath coming out sharply through her nose.

Cautiously, I sucked on her lower lip, nibbling on it sporadically as my tongue slipped through, testing the waters. Her grip on the back of my neck tightened as she opened her mouth wider, her tongue sliding against mine aggressively, primal in its advances. A moan reverberated deep in my chest at her taste, cinnamon and mint and just fucking _Alice_, as I ran my fingers through her wayward spikes, tilting her head to give me more room. Her answering groan shot straight to my crotch, her lithe frame inadvertently rubbing against me causing me to break the kiss as I fought to rein in my overt reaction to the sounds coming from her mouth. It was hardly appropriate, but _fuck_, who could really blame me after spending months in the middle of a war torn country?

My head rested in the juncture of her neck, her pulse thundering rapidly against my ear as we struggled to regain control of our erratic, shallow breathing. Elation ran through me and I breathed out heavily, running my nose along the side of her neck lazily, the sweat from our prior physical exertion making her skin slick.

"That was –" her voice was mere susurration as her nails scratched lightly along the back of my head and neck while she leaned back, my arm holding her steadily in place. I grinned at the bemused look on her face as she stared into my eyes and pulled her back towards me in a tight hug, nodding against her shoulder in agreement with her unspoken words. I knew, without a doubt, that my thoughts mirrored hers as I pressed my lips gingerly along her shoulder. The night air cooled off around us as we sat together quietly, arms wrapped around each other and staring off into the distance, our gazes lingering in opposite directions.

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**A/N: **So, thoughts? The dream sequence was difficult and I have to thank my Baba bear for talking me through it when I was, quite literally, _this_close to losing my mind writing it. Link to the song for the title of this chapter, as well as the lyrics, are posted on my profile along with the link to the Twilighted thread. Also, I'm participating in **The Twilight 25** which has been posted as a new story. Take a look at it to get the info on that. There are a ton of _amazing_ authors participating so, give it go.

**In Bloom** by **queenofgrey  
A Constant in the Darkness **by **camoozle  
Tides **by **lambcullen**


	8. Veins of Glass

**Title: **Purest of Pain; Veins of Glass**  
Author: **stolenxsanity  
**Characters/Pairings: **All Characters, Canon Pairings  
**Rating: **M/NC-17  
**Spoilers: **None; AH/AU

**Summary: **Irrevocable change wrought from tragedy brings these two families together while their own personal demons threaten to tear them apart. Can they overcome the consequences of their actions or will the repercussions and guilt consume them?

**Disclaimer: **Much to my disappointment, I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. However, I do very much enjoy borrowing them for my own twisted story lines.

**A/N: **I posted quicker than usual. Yay me! *pats self on back* In all seriousness, though, this chapter was another difficult one and Bella's thought process throughout is disjointed, but purposely. You'll understand once you read it. Also, the warning definitely applies here, again, so please take heed. If rape/self harm triggers, or makes you uncomfortable in anyway, I advise that you either skip or skim this chapter.

Big, huge heartfelt thank you's to my absolutely _wonderful _Beta's, **vi0lentserenity** and **magan bagan**; this would _not _be possible without either of you. Also, I have to thank **gyspysue**,** naelany **and** ahizelm **for talking me down every time I felt like trashing this chapter and being so kind as to offer their reassurances no matter how much I bugged you all to pre-read. ILY x infinity squared to the _nth_ degree.

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**WARNING:** This story contains references to cutting/suicidal tendencies, slight alcoholism, adult language and rape along with a litany of psychological issues and is rated as it is for a reason. If you have an issue with any of these things, please refrain from reading.

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"_I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older – as you see people in your life break one by one, you wonder when your turn is going to be or if it's already happened." ~ Dana-Christine Urmanetz_

**[BPOV]**

_I fell to the ground in a crumpled heap as he released me, a vicious, feral smile on his face, eyes glinting madly in the waning moonlight. My hands shot to my throat, rubbing the tender skin delicately as I gasped, drawing in the humid night air, fingers ghosting over what were sure to be bruises, contrasting starkly against my pallid flesh. _

_His smile transformed into a sneer, lip curled up on one side as he regarded me with nothing more than utter disgust, a used receptacle, as I struggled to hide, shield myself from his maniacal gaze. An animalistic snarl erupted from his mouth as he noticed the cell phone I had clutched in my shaking hands, my unfocused eyes trying to pick out Jessica's name in the address book. The set of his thin, chapped lips and the lock of his jaw, his disgusting breath floating around my face, invaded my vision, his nose mere centimeters from my own. _

"_What do you think you're doing?" He seethed, hand darting out to rip the phone away and crushing it under the heel of his boot._

"_Don't try to pretend you didn't want that, Peach." His words were patronizing, cutting, causing a tumultuous invasion of guilt to erupt in my chest. I watched as he turned to walk away, a dark chuckle flowing from his mouth before he paused and glanced at me over his shoulder. _

"_And if you tell anyone what happened, you _will_ regret it." Dark and sinister, shadows danced over the visible side of his face, eyes flashing and black with anger. Unable to verbally respond, I nodded slightly, eyes clamped shut and palms digging hard into my sockets; desperate to forget, erase, purge._

_Minutes passed, or maybe hours – I wasn't certain any longer, time had ceased to have meaning – as I sat on the hard asphalt, gravel digging into raw flesh, cold wind whipping my hair into a frenzied mess. I needed to move, needed to get out of here, get home, but I couldn't. Every bone and muscle in body screamed in agony, wet warmth slid down the inside of my legs and tremors wracked my tiny frame. _

"_Excuse me, Miss, are you alright?" The voice was different, one I'd never heard before, but not unpleasant. Still, I curled further into myself, covered my barely clothed body with shaking limbs. My face was coated in a fine sheen of sweat, tear tracks preceding the drops that continued to fall, unceremoniously, to the tops of my bare knees. The wind continued to blow around me, cold and cruel, leaving my hair tangled in long waves around my face, hiding me. _

_I could still smell _him_ on me, around me, mixed with the pungent odors that the dank alley housed regularly. __Acidic bile rose in my throat as my stomach convulsed erratically at the flashes of what had transpired and I rolled my head to my side, violently heaving in an attempt to expel the graphic images. Every part of me shivered in disgust, the absolute fear sending chills down my spine as my heart beat irregularly in my chest. _

"_Miss?" There was that voice again, distant and muddled, concern lacing her dulcet tones. _

_My entire body ached, the pain excruciating as I moved slowly, drawing scraps of torn material across my bloodied and, undoubtedly bruised, thighs. I repressed my gasps of agony as I concentrated solely on breathing through my mouth to avoid the rust and salt smell, prolonging the inevitable; focused on not passing out._

"_You need to get to a hospital." The telltale sounds of a cell phone dialing pricked my ears up, and I lifted my head, intent on stopping this Good Samaritan. _

_No one could find out what happened tonight._

"_No, please." My words were whispered and hoarse, barely audible to my own ears, as my eyes met hers, grief and worry etched across her face. "I just – I'll be fine." I could feel her eyes piercing right through me._

"_You can't sit here all night, it's not safe and you've already been hurt. Can I take you somewhere, anywhere?" _

_I swallowed back my fear as more tears cascaded down my sweat-slicked face and turned away, hiding behind the curtain of hair that fell around me. "I'll be fine," I murmured again, unable to lie to her face. "I'll just call a cab." This was my problem, my mistake, my responsibility. _

"_Will you let me at least call you a cab? I can't leave knowing you're here like this, waiting in a dark alley." _

"_You don't have to do that." My face remained averted, studying the cracks in the ground, tracing them with a scrutinizing gaze. "Really, I can – I just – please don't worry yourself with my problems."_

_The woman heaved an exasperated sigh and I could hear the clacking of her heels against the asphalt, approaching me as one would a frightened and feral kitten, slow but determined. I curled in on myself with each of her steps, tucking my chin into my chest and gripping my knees tighter, flinching only minutely at the searing pain that shot through me. _

"_Please?" The question rolled off my tongue, broken and breathy, piercing the tension thick air. I had no idea what I was asking for, what I was pleading for, what I wanted at that moment, but she was relentless. The panic built in my chest as she moved closer and I instinctively twisted away, pressed my back into the wall as I cried out. My pleas were whimpered, barely audible through the onslaught of tears and flashbacks. _

"_I can't just leave you here like this," was her only response, the creak of her knees audible as she knelt to the ground beside me. "It's not right. At the very least, we need to get you home, safe. This is no place for a girl like you. Let me help you, please, the cops will be coming 'round soon and if they find you here, you won't be left with a choice in the matter." _

_No one could find out what happened tonight. _

_With a new found resolve, I rose slowly to my feet, standing on shaky legs as I leaned against the wall behind me. My breaths were short, pulse thudding and blood rushing through my veins as my muscles protested, straining under the added pressure. _

"_Be careful." Her actions mirrored mine, eyes traveling up my body as my arms wrapped tightly around my chest and abdomen, ankles crossed and locked together. _

"_Are you sure you can move on your own?" I nodded jerkily, cringing, and felt my way along the frigid brick to the mouth of the alleyway. Ice blue and dirty blonde invaded my thoughts with every blink, taunting and teasing as my entire being recoiled, breaths harsh and heavy with every inhale and exhale. _

I woke to a desolate darkness, black out curtains hindering the soft glow of the moonlight, cheeks and pillows wet with tears and sweat. My eyelids were heavy with exhaustion, the ache throughout my body a welcome hindrance as I rolled onto my back, the nightmarish visions slowly retreating into the corners of my mind. The music had changed while I'd been asleep and I let it calm me as I went through a mental checklist. _I'm home. I'm in my own room, in my own bed. Rose is here. Jasper is here. I'm safe._ My stomach rumbled loudly, clenching with hunger pains, every stilted shift rolling through me in agonizing waves.

Disjointed voices filtered through the floor and walls, the unrecognizable tenor decidedly male, and I breathed in deeply. Steeling my near non-existent resolve, I swung my legs off the bed and stretched lazily, enjoying the pull of muscles. _You can do this_, I chanted internally, curling and unfurling my hands sporadically, nervously. _This is _your_ house; you're safe here._ My hair was a tangled mess, wayward curls falling in front of my face as I walked across the room, brushing away the errant strands that stuck to my skin. I swallowed thickly as my hand grasped the door knob, the difference in temperature between my skin and the cool metal tangible.

The door creaked open slowly, hesitantly and light from the hall filtered into my room, casting everything in a yellow-tinged, ghostly glow. I shuffled forward, eyes trained on the floor and ears alert, watching my toes peek out beneath the hem of my frayed jeans as I fingered the sleeves of my hoodie. Aside from the light voices that emanated from the lower level, everything was disturbingly quiet. Yet, I swallowed my panic and continued on. So focused was I on my movements, each step carefully planned and executed, that I didn't notice the imposing shadow that fell across my own, blocking the path to the top of the staircase, until I collided with it, with _him_. His scent assaulted my nostrils first, musk and sweat and male, seizing my heart and stomach in a tight grasp. Visions of _him_ danced across my mind as I stumbled backwards, sliding down the wall. My hands fluttered helplessly between my ears and knees as I both tried to disappear into myself and block out the gasping screams that poured steadily from my mouth in a never ending stream.

My vision and thoughts were assaulted, ceaseless images flitting in and out of blue and blonde, insistent lips and forceful, gripping, hands. I could feel the rush of warm liquid pooling in my eyes and cascading down my face and hear the broken pleas that fell from my lips in a rushed, frenetic whisper, but it was like a disconnect existed somewhere in my psyche, separating me from my actions.

_This couldn't be happening again, not here, not now. Jasper and Rose were home, right downstairs, why would he come back? I'd never said anything, no one knew, no one would ever know._

Warm arms and whispered words pervaded the haze that surrounded me, the fresh scents of orange blossoms and honey mixed with _Dawn_ soap encompassed me, grounding me to the present.

"Bella, it's me." _Rose_, my mind shouted frantically, quelling the panic momentarily as I relaxed into her arms. "It's okay, Bella. It's just me, I'm right here. I won't let you go, I promise."

_Rose. It's just Rose_ was the only thought that ran through my head, solidifying, branding itself on my brain. I reveled in her embrace as I struggled to regain control of my shallow pants and rein in the drops that slipped persistently down my cheeks. My throat was tight as I inhaled through my parted lips, choking, cutting off my air supply. My hands floundered before me, fluttering over the sudden burning sensation as I tried – and failed – to get a solid grasp on what was happening. _No, _I screamed internally as the tears fell faster, ceaselessly. _Not here, not now. Please?_ A fresh wave of panic hit me and my stomach recoiled sharply as I coughed, a thick coat of saliva coating my denim clad legs.

_Verdant overtures fell from my lips as his hand tightened around my wind pipe, cutting off the air circulation. White lights popped before my eyes and I squeezed them shut briefly as I breathed in through my nose, willing the pain away, willing him to have mercy and stop, let me go. Instead, he smiled, his teeth glinting off the low light that emanated from an overhead apartment, and thrust harder, faster, as he licked my neck._

"Isabella Marie!" The exclamation startled me, its husky intonation causing me to blink rapidly against the blur of tears, limbs and snarled tresses and I cowered away from the sound. Low growls emerged from his chest as he scuttled closer, knees dragging against the carpet, eyes – _ice blue _– focused and alert.

_Clutching, clawing, gripping, his fingers dug harshly into my soft flesh, holding me tight between his lean body and the brick wall. I could hear the tear of material; feel the friction against my outer thighs and hips as he dragged my skirt up, bunching it around my waist. The cold wind lashed around us and the sound of white cotton being torn away echoed in my ears._

I could feel my entire body trembling as two pairs of arms encircled me; one solid and loving, maternal; the other menacing, a catalyst for nothing but fear and terror. I flinched, crouched away, as the heat of my back sought out the welcoming warmth of the body behind me. Sharp pants still flowed from my open mouth as my breathing and pulse created an unnatural rhythm and sweat dripped from my hair, my brow line, thick and sticky, a silent plea for me to stop thrashing around and remove the heavy sweater that stuck to the bare skin beneath it.

"Bella," my name was an exasperated whisper as it fell from her lips, an appeal for cooperation and understanding.

"_I like it when they fight back." His voice was a husky, lust-filled whisper as he spoke into my ear, his lips brushing against my lobe. "It makes the reward that much sweeter." A sense of dread snaked through me swiftly as my head wrenched from side to side, struggling against his strong grip. _

I fought against the onslaught of memories – the kind that nightmares are made of – to bring myself back to the present, break the spell and anchor myself to my sister. But I was stuck, drowning, desperately kicking at the bottomless depths beneath my feet as I tried to break the surface. It was a futile attempt, though, and I found myself being pulled back under swiftly as silent sobs marked my descent.

_Another scream erupted from my tight chest, loud and violent, only to be smothered once again by his hot, callous hand. My eyes were wide with horror as I took in his sharp, angled jaw and taut neck muscles, praying that this would be over soon, that he would leave me to my own overt desolation. _

Rose's voice was laced with venom, instinctive and primal in her protective tendencies, as she spoke to someone else, demanding their immediate acquiescence as she sent them away. It echoed off the hallway walls, coursed through my veins and broke the trance I was in. Whimpers fell from my lips as Jasper and Rose surrounded me and the mixed expressions of anger and horror etched across their faces drove a gilded blade deep into my chest.

With a final, strangled, cry I bolted from my seat on the floor, paranoid and panicked. My hands fumbled with the banister while I stumbled down the stairs, my eyes blindly searching out the back door and the promise of fresh air beyond it. Seconds turned into minutes as I stood against the slatted fence that surrounded our property, my eyes closed in defeat and abject humiliation, my face turned towards the sky. The key that hung from the chain around my neck taunted me with its presence, a constant reminder that symbolized both my weakness and strength. I sucked in air hastily, greedy, as I tried to calm and prepare myself to face Jasper and Rose. They would no doubt demand an explanation but none came to mind; there was no rational reason that I could give that would appease them.

"Bella?" I tilted my head in the direction of the voice without opening my eyes and gave a noncommittal grunt of acknowledgement. My throat was still raw from my earlier episode and my head was heavy, weighed down by the emotions that still flowed through me without interruption.

"God, Bella, are you okay?" I swallowed thickly and managed to open my eyes partially, watching Rose as she paced before me, her gaze flickering over my body rapidly. "That was – what – did _he_ do something to you?" Her words were venomous as she came to a stop, eyes narrowed in outrage. "Did he?"

I blanched at her accusation and my fingers twisted in the sleeves of my hoodie, my mind flying through a plethora of shoddy excuses. "I – I'm –" My voice was hoarse, raspy from the crying and screaming I'd done and I paused to clear my throat, giving myself a little more time to come up with an excuse. "I'm fine."

"Fine? You're fine?" Rose scoffed, stepping closer to me as she spoke. "You're calling what just happened upstairs fine, Bella? That was – _fuck_, I don't even know what it was, but it was far from _fine_, as you so aptly put it."

"What do you want me to say Rose?" I murmured; eyes closed once again so I wouldn't have to see the looks of pity that she'd given me far too many times in recent months. "Maybe I'm _not_ fine, but it's not your problem, okay? I can deal with it on my own."

"No, Bella, not okay and you obviously _can't_ deal with it on your own. You just had a complete mental breakdown in the middle of the hallway for no apparent reason. So please, just answer my question; did _he_ do something to you?" I was outraged at her assumptions and accusations, words that meant little in the grand scheme of things. For the past year, she'd been the one consistency I'd had, but she was careful not to voice her concerns so blatantly, without regard. It wasn't that I didn't understand them, because I did, how could I not? I was broken and bleeding, ripped raw from the inside out, and I'd fallen apart before her eyes. But right now, right here, all I wanted was her comfort and love; I needed her to tell me that it was alright, that I wasn't as crazy as I felt.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Rose. Did _who_ do something to me?" I asked, confused and a little worried. I had no idea what may have come out of my mouth while I was in the midst of my panic attack and the thought that she could possibly _know_ something scared me to death.

"Edward. Did Edward do something to you? Dammit, Bella, look at me." I felt her fingers on my chin and cheek, turning my head towards hers.

I opened my eyes again, my gaze landing on her irate face. "Who the hell is Edward?"

"_Edward_, Bella," her intonation was condescending as she leveled me with an even stare. "Alice's brother, one of the people staying with us, the guy from the hallway that had you screaming bloody _fucking_ murder not even an hour ago. _That_ Edward." She thrashed her arms in exasperation, wildly trying to illustrate the point she was trying to make, huffing loudly before dropping them to her sides.

Finally, something in my brain kicked in and I realized that Rose assumed that this Edward person had attacked, or done something to, me. "No, Rose," I breathed quietly, ashamed. "He didn't touch me. I just – I wasn't paying attention and bumped into him while walking towards the stairs." I groaned audibly, turning my head so that my cheek lay against the wooden posts and tried to pretend that nothing had happened. That I wasn't standing outside in my backyard, post-break down, trying to get out of having to explain and wishing, not for the first time, that my life were that simple again.

I raked my hands through my knotted locks, massaging my scalp in the process, and stood up straight, smoothing out the impossible wrinkles that adorned my clothes. "Can we please not talk about this right now, Rosie?" I looked up at her through my eyelashes, pouting slightly and knowing that the use of her nickname would soften her determination more than anything else ever would. "I just – I need to get through this on my own. I know that you want to help but," more tears ran down my face as I spoke, and I wiped them away hastily, irritated with the waterworks I'd displayed thus far, "I have to figure things out on my own first. _Please?_"

With a short, perfunctory nod, Rose relaxed and closed the distance between us, wrapping her strong arms around me. "Okay, Bells, but don't keep me out for long. You and I both know that I'll do anything for you, anything at all, you just have to ask. Let me in, Bella. Let _us_ in. I know that you're mad at Jasper, and honestly, so am I. But we – all three of us – _need_ each other right now, more than we ever have in the past. So, I'll let you have some time now, but that won't put the questions off for long."

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

I walked back and forth across my room, checking every few seconds to make sure that I'd locked the door, before continuing on my well-worn path. I was a wreck, a mess of fear and anger, and my hands vibrated at my sides, shaking and twitching every time I got near my nightstand. My arm still stung from the morning's incident but I needed the release, the reprieve from the emotional assault. With nerves absolutely shot, I faltered briefly, fingers wrapped around the symbolic pendant that rested against my chest, tightening minutely with every moment that passed. The comfort that I'd hoped to get from Rose was within my grasp and I wanted nothing more than to relinquish the tentative grip I had on my sanity. The argument with Jasper during breakfast, the panic attack in the hallway and the argument with Rose that followed had me at the end of my proverbial rope. They'd seen too much, possibly heard too much and would be demanding answers soon.

The thought of telling them what happened, letting them in on the guilt that I lived with daily, twisted my stomach in impossible knots as I gagged, dry heaving over my trash can. I could hear Rose and Jasper as they argued outside my door with furious whispers and scathing words, their anger misdirected towards each other. Without another thought, I fumbled with the clasp at the back of my neck, barely managing to not rip the chain from my neck, and let the key fall into my hand as I slid down to the floor. My back was leaning up against the side of my bed and the metal frame dug into my spine as I pressed into it, relishing in the affliction. My mind traversed space and time, taking me back to the first time I'd done this, giving in to the fears and self-condemnation that had – and still – plagued me.

_I twirled the razor between my fingers, the light bouncing off the silver and making patterns around the room, contemplative as I considered what I was about to do. The compulsion I felt to absolve myself overwhelmed me, crashed down on me in a tidal wave of vehemence and despair. My butt and legs were numb from sitting cross-legged on the bathroom floor, shivering at the chill of the tiles beneath me. Rose had classes this morning, and of course, my parents were both at work, giving me ample opportunity to do … whatever it was that I planned on doing without the added worry of being interrupted. _

_It had been eight days since the party; eight torturously long days spent fluctuating between grief, fury and shame as I hid away in my room, wrapped up in the warmth of my comforter. Eight days of barely any food and even less sleep as my thoughts vacillated between the sources of blame, but always landing squarely back on me. I shouldn't have gone to the party, but I had. I shouldn't have allowed Jessica to have free reign over my outfit, but I had. I shouldn't have left the party alone, walked the dark streets of Arizona by myself in a questionable neighborhood, but I had. __I was stupid, juvenile and careless, going to the party after my parents had expressly forbid it and allowing Jessica – of all people – to dictate what I wore. _

_I had done these things when I'd known better, been taught better, and now I had to pay the price for those actions. Resigned, my grip tightened and my resolve strengthened as I glanced down, taking in the taut muscles in my forearm. _

_I cringed as the blade pierced my skin and immediately faltered, pulling my hand away as my breaths came out in strained exhales. The acrid scent of blood hit me sharply, sending me crawling on hands and knees to the toilet as I gagged violently, a vice-grip on the cool porcelain. The thin stream of red against my pale flesh ridiculed me, a visible reminder of yet another failure and my hands flailed around on the floor, searching for the abandoned razor with fervor. This mistake – this inadequacy – would be rectified. Immediately. _

I watched as the long rivulets of crimson dripped steadily down my arm, coating my hands and legs as it dribbled to the floor. The relief I felt was immediate, as I knew it would be, and a sigh of satisfaction escaped my lips as I replaced the xacto blade. The pain burned through me, bringing with it the peace I craved as I pushed myself up and made my way to the bathroom, relief coursing through my body as my lips curved up into a tiny, satisfied smile.

* * *

**A/N: **So, thoughts? The dream sequence was, _again_, difficult for me to get through but I trudged through it and got out _mostly _unscathed. It was a tough one, though, so I'd really appreciate your thoughts on it, por favor? Links to the song for the title of this chapter, as well as the lyrics, are posted on my profile and don't forget to check out **The Twilight ****25 **that can also be found linked on my profile as well as my own entries posted as a new story. Lastly, check out this weeks rec's listed below but, just so you know, they are _all_ slash!fics:

**Action** by **queenofgrey  
Great Vexations **by **AngstGoddess003  
Southern Comfort **by **LoveInTheLies**


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